Bragging Rights

There is a part of me that wishes you would say something
Just so you could know how I actually feel
I want you to say that you had a hand in this
Making me who I am
Acknowledging that you're proud of me
Based upon your own merit
Like you laid such a great foundation
And built a perfect son on it
Well I'm here to tell you what you really made
You created an altar out of stone and had them plastered
White and pure you laid the wood first
Shoving me on the pyre was what came next
Sacrificing me to fire and pain
Wolves encircled me to eat the remains
Yet I picked myself up and moved on
Building walls that you could never breach
With towers high to shoot arrows set aflame
These scars I wear are my bragging rights
Like tattoos with dates to remember a fallen friend
I'm the one who went through the storm
And came out clean on the other side
How dare you try to take what you didn't help me to get
You will receive what you deserve in the end
Shutting your eyes for one last time
The vision that forms is of a man with tears in his eyes
Laying out before you the lies you wouldn't let yourself see in life
A moving picture of a boy alone in a room with a gun to his head
You put me there says the voice from behind
How could you do this to your very own son
I stole my soul back from the devil
Reborn and ready to fight 
Funny how when times passes you are so quick to forget
But when the truth is spoken I see you getting feverish
Sick to your stomach knowing that I will never let this slip
My grasp on the truth held tight
So be weary of your son
He's coming back and not a moment too late
Ready to fire just light the match
Nothing will keep me from spewing this over abundant hate
Set yourself up for the fall because it's coming
Just open up that mouth

So About That Searching Thing...

Finding the universe that exists underneath the mynute
No joy in the simplistic I'm seeking the extravagant
Inside of the materialistic I yearn for overwhelming enthusiasm
Will I find something that creates an expression of enthrallment?
Does meaning in existence reside in the creations of the created?
I regret that so much of my fulfillment is found in the natural
The common mans charms are what bring me luck
But is there anything past the veil of over spiritualization?
Starring at the sun and wondering how,
How I can find beauty in the things not crafted in the hands of eternity
It seems like I'm wasting life by trying to live someone elses
Some find pleasure in the odd
Others in the flesh
Still some in the elementary
Yet I find that none of these things are for me
So what is for me without minimizing the things that are me?
Does a door to a distant dimension need to be opened
In order that I find what I enjoy as a parallel to the current constant?
I'm waiting to be shown and I don't know where to look
Beginning no where because I hold clues like blank cards
What we do defines us and I don't do anything
Defined by nothing, is this what I am predestined for?
Flat-lining on the existential and not on the arbitrary
Making a man from the mind of a man is harder when you don't believe
Faith is not the potion when you've broken down all the clay
I'm in need of a reformation consisting of the ingredients of the stars
All in order to stand out and shine like the brilliant one I want to be
No longer blind just without a leg to stand on
Who do I seek to know how I am defined?
Maybe my lot is to never know
And at the rate that I'm going part of me thinks that's just fine   

Wrath Through Absence

I feel like I've been saying this for so long
Waiting for the bleeding to finally stop
Pointing broken fingers to place the blame
Knowing the outcome before the source
The penalty for existing has come to this
Being given over to depravity
Lusting for the sake of lust
And killing for the sake of the thrill
Wanting so bad to rid you from my being
Yet you were inside of me
All the way down to the core of my soul
My mind blown when I realized how
You slay me now as I think back
Everything I ever did was wrong
Spoken to me through the lips of one I held as perfect
I needed you to be that for me and you let me down
Turning the tables on myself I made a mental picture
That I was the devil in disguise
If I believed in myself as much as I believed in you
This would be so much easier
But it's not
So that outcome was a broken bone sticking through
You poured out your white hot wrath
By leaving me to be by myself
Your absence speaks louder then your attempts to fix it
What did you expect to happen when you left me out,
That I would grow up to be something special?
Everything that's special I crafted for myself
Out of pain and torture I grew these muscles to lift myself up
From the gutter that you threw me in when you denied
The very fact that I was your own flesh and blood
My God this story is getting old but for once I see
It wasn't me that was wrong
So look at me now
Look at me now!

What I like

For 3 days I've been trying to figure out what I like, and not just things that mildly amuse me but that really bring me joy and satisfaction. Mind you I am talking about things within the physical universe and not the ambiguous, things like love and friendship. In my quest I've come to these two conclusions; I cannot think of a single thing I like and the materialistic world brings me minimal to no joy whatsoever. It is safe to assume that I must be a foreigner to this world and its ways because I don't care for them in the least bit.

My mother had a nickname for me; Mr. Negative. This must be why.

Psalm of wishing

Why are all my memories so dark and sad?
Like going to bed hungry it makes me mad
Seeing the past through lenses that fade to black
My one wish is to be happy and to forget the bad

Bad Mothers (Rated R)

Stories turn in my head of bad mothers
Effecting my life in so many ways
Some that I don't even know
Still fucking with me after all these years
So here I am to tell a few tales
Of mothers of the past
Who fucked me up beyond repair
...
First things first I hold this story so tightly
I don't even remember the name given
Just fragments of a funeral and crying for nothing
But night after night I can't help but think
Of the final words that you spoke to me on dying lips
Molding so much of what you now see today
The failure seemed to begin when death blew on you
How was it you knew that the day was coming
When you would close your eyes forever,
Asking me to take care of your little girl?
Pressing a weight on me when I myself was just a little boy
You knew yourself that she was no good
And that the hope for changing her was in me
Look down from above and see
Your little daughter created a little bastard child
Years pass and still I can't shake the fact
That you weren't really a bad mother
You just fucked up by giving me a challenge I could never complete
...
The next bitch that I can't help but think of
Ran up the stairs leaving the children alone
A big brother fucked up in the head
Trying to raise a daughter that shouldn't have been born
Daddy told you to suck that thing out
Yet you wouldn't and to this day I don't understand why
Yeah you say you love her and that she is the light of you eyes
But you didn't give a shit when she was crying out for help
Leaving her to her own demise until I came around
Putting late fears far aside
Thinking that I could handle the emotional suicide
The scorn and the shame
All from a little girl who saw her mommy giving head
Always running to the aid of the next man who came
Forgetting your children it's no wonder your son hates you
Pills go down smooth after all the dick you took bitch
You created a monster
A mother with her own child now
Don't you see the failures
Almost 30 years old and she is still spending time in jail
You passive aggressive cunt I can't believe you got me cussing like a sailor
But no words speak loudly enough to let you know
That humanity is falling apart because of parents like you
Enabling your daughters to pick up pipes
White smoke opens the door for demons to come inside
Why should I think that things would change
You never did and because of it
You'll die in pain with broken children crying over you
...
Bad mom number three of the saga
This one I never laid eyes upon
Yet I hear the story and I know the pain
Seeing it in the face of the one who gives me the advice I'm seeking
You popped out kids like you were a Pezz dispenser
Giving them up without even a second thought
Who knows how many parts of you are out there
And how many of those rose up like the one that I know
She is stronger then I'll ever be
Coming out of darkness to earn advanced degrees
What you couldn't accomplish in a lifetime she could do in a day
An inspiration for throw away children like me
Without you I don't know if I'd still be breathing
Because when there was no one who wanted to pick up the pieces
The daughter you left behind was there to hear my expressions
Deep down in depression even I saw a speck of light on the other side
But for you nothing was good enough except yourself
How dare you take what you didn't help her to get
You selfish bitch I hope you fucking burn in hell for that shit
No one would wish for their own mother to suffer
But bitch you ain't mine so I'll do it on behalf of the one who stands with me
...
Next on the list is the one who screams at my love
How is it that you could be so blind and deaf?
Doing the same things that were done to you
Instead of turning the other cheek
You pulled the hammer back and fired into a fragile child
Oh for about 2 years now I've wanted to scream in you face
To show you that just because I'm white
Doesn't mean that I'm not a gangster
You think you know violence just because they cut off heads below Cali
You don't know shit motherfucker until you've looked into my eyes
Bad doesn't begin to describe how you are
Forcing your sick kids to do shit that you could easily do
But too lazy and you blame it on the husband
Doing so much that doesn't need to be down
It's fucking 10 o'clock at night and you're wiping down the stairs
OCD on overload I think the bipolar bear is kicking in
No wonder your kids want to leave
The little one has such poor self image
She wants to get her boobies grown bigger
Enhanced out of necessity because how you birthed her wasn't enough
A beautiful child and you told them both that they were nothing
How I wish to jump across that table and smash you with that pan
Bitch you are the worst of them all and I've still got another mother to go
...
Back in the day it was the late 80's and a boy was born
Struck a chord with daddy because he was jealous of my beauty
Doing all he could to get mommy's attention
Even saying that it was good for babies to cry
Well bitch you did it to end the argument
And growing up I could see how it ate at you
Wanting to hold the son who was bleeding
But afraid of your husband that you even thought of leaving
Yet nothing stopped the verbal blows and you wouldn't hide me
No peace in a home that was open to all
Can I really say that you were a bad mother,
Or was it just that you were weak minded?
Well here I am all these years after
Remember that night I left that note in your bathroom,
Telling you that without help you'd lose me forever?
Finally you woke up and took me to Nancy
Poor lady had been working on you two for so long
Seeing no results at least the checks you wrote were good
Fake tears and empty promises
She knew what I was facing before I even came in
A marked man from birth
I bore a mark that told the world it was okay to beat me
Calling devils in my room at night
I could hear the bed squeaking from across the hall
Knowing that that beast was blowing you deep
All in an effort to keep him under control
Don't you know how that fucks with the mind of a little boy
Lying to cover it up
Bitch I know what you were doing in there
Hiding my face and praying for sleep to come
Back so many years ago and I still remember the sick feeling
No one can take the memories
And that is all part of the facts that added to the thoughts created
Thinking that finally I would have some silence with a bullet in my mind
I know you really loved me you just couldn't show it
Man this anger is taking me outside the real world
Sitting here at 2 in the morning writing of the pain locked away
Open like a book filled with vipers
Smoke and mirrors can't hide the wounds anymore
As a man I have to look back and see that it was you who made me
Genetically and emotionally
Fucked over because you wouldn't stand up for me
How did this all come about so late in the evening?
It's like my mind is looking for more reasons the hate you
And now I have to shake my head to see you so different
Trying to be a mom but those definitive years have passed you
The time to be there is gone and I don't even want you anymore
You were the worst of them all and yet still I love you
Contradicting, the story of my life
But that's that and that's how it will always be
If I've said it once I'll say it again
Let's burn these motherfucking bridges down to nothing
Cross over with knives and stab the feelings
Leave the fuckers dead and wishing for resurrection
I want nothing more then to forget all these bitches
Live my life like adam born out of the love of a father
Never knowing a mother who could fuck him over
This is the aftermath of a man whose been on deathrow
These bad mothers fucked up my world
Now all I can see as the answer
Is hollow points pointed deep within my flesh
Time to put these nightmares to sleep
Goodnight to all those who created bastard child just like me 

Technology

This world we have is so outragious
Technology grows smaller to do the larger
People don't talk when before they didn't listen
Like a dream within a dream
The  sense it made is lost on awaken
Now I can write what I'm thinking right as it happens
No more waiting
Slow going at first but it's not so bad
My thoughts can't escape the web of now
Laying on my back it's a picnic of my mind
A new breed of gizmos has changed us, wow
Can't believe how stupid this all sounds
But I'm writing this from a cell phone
Without speed or sound
Final thoughts leap as I melt away
How fun it is to capture myself
Before I fade to grey