No Name

Sitting in the blank thinking back to my past
Reliving over again the pain that was caused
Looking at the scars to find that they were self inflicted
The victim of adolescent burnings and yearnings
Searching in the dark for emotional affairs
If she only knew what I did when the light went off
She wouldn't be standing by my side when I cry
Trusting in the fact that somehow I've forgotten my sin
Telling me in those quiet times that I'm not really evil
For the sake of art that what I speak is just what I need
That the monster doesn't really exist
But little does she know that I can't write without him
That without him I am not me
That I have to feel like shit to get anything out
So full of fear that what I've tried to hide is coming back
Haunting me like a nightmare on repeat
It just doesn't turn off yet I'm somehow supposed to connect it
Living with the past to take hold of my future
The bridges just burn from the air that is made out of fire
What is my worth except to suffer without a name
I have no name just the memories of all the fuck ups
Thinking back gets dangerous when the past is full of traps I ran from
Scandalous ideas begin to creep back in
I seduced little girls that have grown up to have babies that aren't mine
Side note, I'm not just talking about the last girl
And as I sit here and think was I the one that sparked the flame to get them to act like this?
Was I the one who made them spread their legs for other men when I left?
Eats you up inside when you think the world revolves around you
Even though it makes so much sense
Because in those moments where it gets dark, clouds roll in and rains starts to fall
Falling so far I remember how all I cared about was the next girl to devour
Moving from one to another there are so many names that I don't even remember
How is this for some free association?
This is why it gets deadly to think back because now I doubt myself
All the work I've done is down the toilet now and I'm in danger
The night is young and there is more writing to be done
I think I know why I go blank now
Because thinking back brings fear and not thinking doesn't bring anything back
Rivaling your journey doesn't make sense because all this time I was lonely
No one knows what it's like to be the man of sin in the life of another
When you realize that your righteousness is nothing but wicked thoughts projected on others
How do you live without the want to erase all my thoughts?
Take back my name and revoke my birth
That's my lot anyway to live life as the no name demon who ended life itself
Not only for himself but for everyone he touched