Reconciling

Laying awake in bed all night
All I can think about is something I already wrote about
For some reason I feel like going back in time
Not to change the outcome of things
But to remember the things that I did to make other people stumble
Now I want to live like a repented thief on his cross
Asking for forgiveness but not for himself
Only for the fact that you will know that I realize my missteps 
Yes it is true that I saw all the tears they cried in the night
All on account of me and the things that came after
That I caused so much pain that unhealthy heads led to baby making
How many girls was I with in the past,
Who after I left suddenly they got pregnant?
At first I was thankful that none of them looked like me
But now I'm looking at the pictures and seeing that they look like you
With no one there to help you
The older I get the more compassionate I get
And I hate it because there is no power in remorse
Holding onto hate and pointing the blame makes the flame white hot
Burning up to the ceiling the house that I lived in burned down
But how do you reconcile with people you can't see?
People that you have no idea how to contact or even what to say
It's hard living like this
Maybe now I know why that monster lives in the closet
To feed on all the people like skeletons Halloween decorations
Bones hanging by ropes that were wrapped around necks
Placed by hands that were connected to the necks that were about to snap
Not only did I kill I did it without any blood on my fingers
Killed them with words and it scares me to see how my mind really is
Don't piss me off because I'll talk you into the grave
And if that doesn't work I'll walk away and tear your soul out as I leave
Sometimes I remember the words spoken like daggers
Stabbing you in the heart and when I see the blood I have to drink it
Vampire man coming out in the sun but my skin ain't glowing
I only get darker and darker with every step I take toward your murder
So that was all it took to get you six feet deep
But I don't want that life I can't live that life
Murder is so messy even when committed surgically
I just pray that these ghost of my past don't wish death on me
Walking with open arms I receive a bullet to the belly 
It looks like CPR but she will just be sucking the life out of me
The funny thing is is that I can't even remember all of their names
Invisible faces from my memories are coming back to haunt me
I don't know what has gotten into me
Like a new state that is growing into a character form
There is this part that wants to reconcile with my past
So when I look back in that album it doesn't bring me to anxiety fueled fear
In my dream though I see them drawing 9mm's on me
Color the picture with my favorite crayon
Red like the rage that fills my eyes
Suddenly the roles have been reversed but maybe that's not such a bad thing
Because now they carry the burden and it will be lifted off of me
These are the thoughts of a mad man who seeks sanctuary in his own soul
So for a moment the blankness has gone away
And now that the smoke has cleared all I see is weakness and it kills me
I always knew that it would come one day
But I never wanted to go out like this
Oh well, fuck it, bring it on past I could never see my own future anyway