Memories Replayed in Shadows

Looking back over my life and I see a line formed in the sand
Step over to the current or go back in time on the inside and live it all out one more time
Again and again I remember falling
Being a little kid locking myself away in a closet
Called myself the spawn of Satan and hating everything that came out of me
But I remember seeing angels back in those days
Trying so hard to attach myself to them just so I could get through
Dilemmas arose every time another one of you walked out on me
Or how many times I should have made a first move
And you moved on past so quick right into the arms of some other prick
I remember being a rowdy teen riding a bike through dark streets
Music blaring in my ears, angry and intense I was set to kill
But I only cared about getting what I had to get
Another move and another step closer to doing things I should have never seen
Yet I can't help but think as I look back how different it would have been
If I would have just opened up but it was too hard
I came with too much self loathing, too much defeat, too little respect
Now I lay in freezing sheets sweating from the heat thinking back
I remember this one chick loved me but I couldn't say it back I was too afraid
She was the best thing a little boy could ask for yet I couldn't find the strength for commitment
Maybe I was just too immature, maybe it was a good thing that you fell out of sight
Still I find myself thinking of you and about what you're doing even if you're married
I remember my first real girlfriend and how she fucking walked out on me
I held her so high up in the sky and she dropped the weight of the world on me with the death of her mommy
I was just a kid what did I even know
Even dropped out of high school because I couldn't take the pain of it all
I thought she was my ticket out of all the garbage
Instead she just added to it like weights on the rack
I remember the girl that was so dark and brooding and how she used to hit me
Part of me liked it for the attention it gained to my ego
But how many times I wanted to turn around and smack the fuck out of that bitch
Still loved her though even though she drove me crazy
Walked out of my life when the worst thing that ever happened to me walked in
Older girl telling little old me that she loved me
Blonde hair and rocking body all I knew was that it was like walking in a dream
Year after year went by and all I saw was the huge decline
Morals went out the window and you put yourself in a situation that almost landed me in jail
Could have killed that motherfucker that raped you but I didn't and took you back
Even after you lied to me about it and fucked some punk because you were out of your mind
Now you've got a kid that was almost mine with an old man that you were fucking when I wasn't looking
And all that time there was a great girl that I saw looking at me
Beautiful in every way but I never made a move because I actually respected you
Bitch now she's married to some other dude and I even DJ'ed the wedding
How hard it was to see her dancing with some man that I knew wasn't right for her
Even with my girl at the time I couldn't help but think to what it would have been like
You and I together, but at least I see that you're happy so for that I'm kind of glad
But I have a great girl now and she's my best friend
Though it doesn't help me forget all the little flings that took place
Lunch break back in 08 and this chick that I thought I liked came and poured soda on my feet
Or what about that one girl that held my hand before she dropped me like a hot plate
All due to being afraid of her daddy, little did she know I would have knocked his old ass out
Steal her away from all her bad dreams and been the savior she always needed
That's not even mentioning the girl that used to call me from up north
Wanting so bad to escape her family she even sent me naked pictures to sway me to get her
Or what about that crazy bitch that calls me up thinking that my myspace pictures were cute
Her brother scams me telling me he's the cops saying she's been upducted
Scared the fuck out of me I thought I had a court date somewhere out of state
I was gonna run from the judge but then it turns out I was just gonna have to kill the bastard
Calls me saying it was all fake and then drops off the planet
Gets back at me six months later telling me she's pregnant and that she wishes I was the daddy
How many times I got out of tough situations and all thanks to God
Almost to thirty and I still couldn't handle a kid
But still I hear them and their fake fucking words in my dreams and I wake up screaming
How dare you say you love me when you wouldn't do shit about it
Went to the other side and met a good girl but she was so good she couldn't have a good time
Broke her heart and her mommy came running up mad and all upset
Honestly back then I didn't give a fuck about it but how quick things would change
I remember this one little girl that wouldn't kiss me because I was with the aforementioned chick
She was more respectful than I was but I didn't care getting it in was all that mattered
So hungry for love I saw her years later and she looked like shit
Glad I escaped another close call I even had to laugh at the younger me
Can't believe I almost got scammed again
Or how about the time the girl that was on heroin tried to get at me
I remember thanking God that my luck was finally gonna change
But she never called back and when I heard the news I cried a sigh of relief
Just like the girl that called me saying I was marriage material yet wouldn't answer my calls
If you didn't like me you just should have said it bitch
You wouldn't have been the first girl to let me down
Mommy put me down as a baby and never came back to get me
My heart was hard back then so it would have been nothing new
Man I can't help but think where is all this coming from
Bridging the old me with the new me I can't believe all of this
I thought it was gone, lost to the fires of my rage that burned my mind down
The haunting of my past, will they ever leave me?
I'm starting to see them all everywhere and if they only took shape I would tell them
I'm sorry for what I did to you but fuck off I'm my own man now
So I rebuke these shadows now get the fuck out of my life