Fear and Getting Right

If I am honest with myself I see I am absorbed by fear
Not only the fear of myself
But the fear of another,
I'm not even sure if I remorse over the thought
And how can this be,
It seems we are going back to duality tonight?
If perfect love casts out all fear
Then am I yet to know perfect love?
Though I have seen this love and looked it in the eye
I cannot say if I have attained it or even if I tried
For there once was a women who consumed me
She made my life a beautiful mess
And though she walked away I still feel her deep inside
There is a part of her that remains within
Dwelling next to the monster inside me
Dreaming of her on random nights turns me against myself
Now I have two entity's that I cannot rid from my mind
I am horrified by the thought of seeing her again
At every inkling that I think she may be
I turn to find it was only by comparison to a form and likeness not
That the stranger I behold is only a mimic of my antagonist
Is she really an enemy?
Is she really my foe?
I turn ready to fight, but not in physical shape
Preparing myself for a battle of holding back floodgates
To keep all the emotion from destroying the world in its wake
Of how I was crushed when everything I worked for walked out
But after the nights of tears I think back
Was it really due to loss of love or loss of hope that water flowed like blood?
That she died when she pulled out her own life support
The cord was me and I kept her grounded in the right
A blessing that should have never been
Yet to say that I can't even know if this is all real or not
For who is to say that they foresee the coming and going of footsteps
I myself am caught in the death gaze of my past
Only waiting for the moment that it comes so I may overcome and walk away
Not in retreat but in making her regret
The worst thing she ever did was making a fool out of me
Stealing years that will never grow back
Though if it weren't for all that
I would not be the person I admire to call myself
I am a child with trash can hands
With a mouth full of filth
Heart grown cold and black all in an instant when I think back
Self consumed, this is not who I want to be
Even in the midst of everything I gained to build the wall up
How do you make right a fear you don't know why?
Oh how this all feels like rot
I'm decomposing from the inside out