Remembering the Past

A thought crusader goes back in time
To remember a memory that doesn't exist
Somewhere locked deep away
The beginning of the pain
The genesis of my struggle through life starts at birth
So was it really like they said it was?
Was I wanted to badly that you pounded on heavens doors?
Making supplication for years and even swearing an oath,
That you would dedicate the child to wear a servants crown?
Pulling back the covers and letting the light expose
I remember that little boy who was marked like a bruise
Black and blue left alone in his room
Pondering neglect without having the words to express
Is that what really happened to make me like this?
Does the monster in me go so far back,
Once and for all proving that I am my own beast?
I thought I had pulled past this
Ran so far away that the thoughts could no longer haunt
Where was my comfort in all of this?
Weren't you supposed to be there to be my strength?
How could I stand without legs that had never stood?
Yet this is so hard to understand
Was it really that bad,
So harsh it became forbidden in my brain?
Purposely forgetting just to stay safe in my own head
I don't want to blame I just want to erase
To forgive and move past
Not just to relinquish the power of my darkness
But to remove the fact that it had ever breathed
Do I have to trade a childhood for a hypnotic foundation,
Spoken in though key words that allow hope to endure,
Injected like a syrum that makes everything okay?
Getting out alive looks so bleak now
To know as a fetus I was only feed lies
Connected to fear or something worse
God just tell me who I need to point the gun at first
Does a punishment even fit in a circumstance like this?
Blame doesn't change the fact the will to murder lives in my flesh
How do I remember a past I so desperately want to forget,
Using only bits and pieces of memories that won't ever exist?