Hi Mom

One more thought in the night before the light begins to fade
You fucking left me
Sitting on the kitchen chair
I can still see that stare on your face
Looking off into fucking space
Couldn't believe that you left it to a little kid to revive you
You stopped loving me to protect yourself
What kind of shit is that bitch?
You left a child to raise himself
And suddenly you call me saying you missed me
I missed you my whole life
I screamed for you and you never came
You screamed at dad and ran out the house
We asked him
DADDY DADDY WHEN IS MOMMY COMING BACK?
Just a push back and told get upstairs I don't care
Never knew if you would come home
Fighting back fears that you were fucking other guys
You know what it's like to be 5 and carry the weight of your mothers affair?
I hope it's true
I hope that one day it comes out
Just another reason for me to hate you more
This writing flows like blood like when I used to hide in the closet
Beating my head in the corner breaking my skull on plaster walls
Hoping for my brains to fall out so I could end it all
This is taking me back to when I used to burn with rage
The fire has rekindled and I'm ready to unload
Now a grown man sitting in another mans house
Looking at the walls wondering
What does it mean, how do I follow these signs?
You tell me you love me but where was that before?
Where was it when I needed it?
Where was it for that little boy that needed his mom to make his boo boo's better?
You left me to die bitch so why the fuck did you have me?
I was not born to be a slave but it seems like you only wanted me for my muscle
Do this do that and read my fucking mind
How was I to know that being your child included being telepathic?
I could never read your mind even worse figure out my own
The look on your face you've passed on the me
No emotions, no cares, shutting the world out to keep myself safe
The apple doesn't fall far from the tree now do it momma?
How I wish that the ghost of my anxieties would have taken flight
Come down from the ceiling to kill me
Spread me out naked on the floor
Drowned me in motor oil all for your enjoyment
Maybe then you would have gotten what you wanted out of me
The son of yours to be so far away that YOU couldn't be hurt by him
You never stood up for me and never gave a crap
So what the fuck am I supposed to say when you expect an I love you back?
It makes me sad and I say it with a tear but burn in hell mom
I don't love you anymore because you aren't good for me

Never Gonna Call You Daddy

There was a time when I looked up to you
I wanted your affection
I wanted to know more than anything else that you loved me
But life will never be like that again
How you can bitch and moan
I'm your son you bastard
How is it that I hold in every word told to that little boy?
Remember that day you picked me up to throw me?
Flying through the air and landing on my head
Remember when you told me that bad things follow me?
Releasing demons to chew on me
You broke my heart into a million pieces
You were my father but now you don't mean shit to me
Never knew why she always pulled away from you
Now as an adult it all makes sense
You poured out what she hated
Wrath on a baby, you feed him to the fires of molech
All so you could be number one but damn that backfired
Only echos are left in a house we no long own
Because of your sin of greed you had all you would ever need but you will never have me
I am the son that got away
You spent my inheritance so I ran away
Left the shelter of the covered wagons
Venturing out into the wilderness on my own
Now I hear knocks on the door asking for money you'll never get back
Giving with the attitude that I some how owe you
Motherfucker I was the miracle the best thing to ever happen
But what the fuck am I thinking
You had forsaken your other children why shouldn't you do the same to me
Don't ever tell me that you fucking love me!
Held up at the tip of a barrel
Hot metal burned the mark of the beast into my temples
You brought fear into a home that needed nothing but you fucking packing up and leaving
Maybe it would have been better in the end
But who knows those days are over
And just because you got that bitch ass daughter back up north kissing your ass
Don't think that I am gonna bend over and say please daddy forgive me
The daddy days are over now I'm the godfather
Holding motherfuckers at ransom and I don't even need a gun
Knives and machetes are useless
Everyone knows that I'm scarier then any nightmares you could dream of
Night terrors gave the little baby seizures
Perhaps that little boy knew that it was better to check out than be your son
Should have murdered you that night I heard you fucking my mom
Wouldn't stop until you had your fix and all I wanted was to kill myself
Strangle myself in my sleep hearing the bed in the next room creak
Never had I ever wanted the walls to fall on me quicker
Let the creature on the wall come down to devour me
I felt that it was at the time that you consecrated a marriage by rapping a kid
Fuck that shit, was it all of this that I grew up hating myself
You'll never be my father after this session that I now reminisce
Calling back dark memories in the night as a man on the brink of himself
Teetering on greatness I made this life myself
Evil deeds followed by Jesus forgive me
Tonight I take the life of the man that should have never sired me    

My Vows

Addy, I’m going to try my best to explain to you in words the love I have for you and the promises that I pledge to uphold for the rest of my life as I state them before God and man.

I remember the first day we met like it was yesterday. You had your hair up, and a black Fullerton college shirt on, but what you wore the best that day was your smile. Next to meeting Jesus that was the best day of my life. I loved you from the moment I laid eyes on you. I heard the Lord speak to me that day as we sat in the Rainforest Café say that not only were you going to be my girlfriend but that you were going to be my wife, but I didn’t want to tell you all that at once and freak you out. On that day you became my better half and I’ve never been better.

We are the perfect pair. We share a sense of humor, a thirst for knowledge, and above all else an undying desire to see Christ made famous in the world. Your desire for more of Him mesmerizes me and this is what I love most about you.

I know that I am difficult to deal with sometimes, and it is because of this that I can’t thank you enough for standing with me in all my endeavors, and promising to continue to stand with me as you take my hand in marriage today. You are the girl of my dreams and I know that God pulled you out of my dreams, formed you better than I could have ever imagined, and then delivered you to me as a gift of His grace. Every day you remind me that His grace for us is beyond measure.

Jesus says that we shouldn’t swear by anything but instead let our yes be yes and our no be no, so now I would like to let you know all the yes’s and no’s that I plan to keep with you.

Yes I will always love you

Yes I will always protect you

Yes I will always be the arms that hold you up

And yes I will always lead you deeper into the arms of God

No I will never leave you

No I will never stop loving you

No I will never give up on us

And no I will never find anyone better than you

I don’t believe that a person is truly made in the image of God until they are united as one with the person God has made for them, and I wouldn’t want to be one with anyone else but you. I love you and I can’t wait for our adventure to continue as husband and wife.

The Words I Could Never Say

I fucking hate the way you speak to me
All I do is defend you and you shit on me
How dare you stand against me
After all I've done
You take a tone with an attitude
There are days you deserve to be slapped down
It's no wonder why your kind were so despised
Looked down upon and made to serve
Cook and clean it's all you're good for
Forced to be ridden like animals
It's not wonder you were not allowed to speak
You don't fucking think as you start to fucking speak your piece
Saying I don't love you and I don't care
I bend over backwards for you bitch
And this is how you repay me
I ought to punch you in the throat
Then we'll see who has the last word
You want to call it off on a technicality
Well go for it because I'm tired of your shit
I've given you my heart and this is what you do
Run back to your mother bitch and you'll see
The cunt never wanted you anyway
You've so soon forgotten what it was like
When she used to drag you by the hair across the floor
You forgot the nights of terror as mommy and daddy traded blows
Trying to kill each other they put you in the middle of it
I was there to save you and you think I've done nothing
You want me to be a perfect prince but you don't seem to remember
I am a murderer washed clean to come in the house
But the blood on my hands will never disappear
The voices of my victims still cry out from beneath my skin
And you think that that just all goes away so quick
Watch your mouth with me little girl
Or your teeth might come up missing
I love you but I swear to God deadly force might be involved
In order to silence you so I can think for one fucking secound
I hate they way you treat me
Always turning away
But when I go and say a word you march out with armies of vicious words
Well if that's the way it's gonna be then I think what is really in order
Is a backhand to the face of the bitch who can't keep her fucking emotions under wrap
Being seen and not heard is sounding more and more like a good idea
So don't temp me or I'll break you and in the place that will always hurt
I'll crush your fucking heart just say the word

Nobody Knows The Trouble I've Seen

I close my eyes at the end of the day and it all plays back
A tape of endless chatter, nothing caught to replay
All I want is someone to know what it was really like
To walk a mile in my shoes
Bruised feet moving over the pavement covered in broken glass
It sounds poetic and it sounds horrific but in the end it is only this
There is a pain so deep that no amount of digging can bring it out
Lost to time and decayed the ruins of a civilized mind don't even remain
All I know was that it was just a misunderstanding
One that lead to my death
Broken teeth scattered on the cement kicked in by ones I loved
The mess is mine but made by others yet I'm still holding the pieces
I've beat my fists down into the ground and the blood pours down like rain
Painting the walls and staining my cloths, the puddles form where I never played
My life has poured out into obscurity and time just laughs in my face
If only the world could feel how I feel and know the things I do
They would never treat me in such a manner
Not if they wanted to keep on breathing
But this is just a repeat
A rerun of my time
And in all that I've got nothing to hide
Yet merit does not find a grip with all the holes in the story
For one day look through my eyes and see
That all that's left is blood but there's nothing left to bleed

What Changed?

Everyday I asked myself,
All my life who am I?
All my life who am I?
ALL MY LIFE WHO AM I?
ALL MY LIFE WHO AM I?
I screamed and screamed and there was never an answer
Just a lonely room on an island the world forgot
I was alone until a pure white light came
It gave me hope and it gave me rest
I worked in the beginning but then we were stuck
So far in love that the answers started making sense
I was here for her and she was here for me
And together we were the express image of something greater
Bigger and better then I had ever thought existed
She was the one and will always hold that prize
But out of the woodwork something did arive
The number could be counted on one hand
Yet to me it was like they came in droves
One by one they saw me when all I wanted to do was hide
I was changed and I didn't want to be that old guy
I wanted to be nice but now I see that it all backfired
I searched deep inside my mind trying to find
I was still that little boy who only wanted to die
No one ever wanted me and I thought I was cursed at birth
To live alone and die alone without the half my heart was searching for
Figuring out who I was in partial form led me down a very wrong road
There were others there waiting to exploit
Thinking long and hard and I still couldn't figure out why
Why there were there
Why they were talking
Why they were seeking
Why they were dead set on my flesh
Confusion set in and all I wanted to know was,
What changed and had I really become fine,
Something to be wanted, lusted after like my pedestal had surpassed the rest in line?
Never understanding even now as I write
Here comes a scary thought
If they only knew my true nature they'd never give me a look
So the realization is I'm hiding and I don't know why
I don't even want to show myself fully to the one I love most
Can I help that I like the attention but it forces me to run
Now my guilt outweighs my confusion and I'm trapped
But the thought that I can't escape
The thing that makes this all seem to be legit enough to be phony cash
Is what changed and why can't I see it in myself?

Same Old Same Old

I can't believe I'm writing again
How easily the thoughts come past
Through the fingers and onto the page
Stained with blood these hands have witnessed change
Since last we met things are different
But the dark matter sucks me back
And I'll never be able to write from the other side of life
I still drown in the blankness
It's so maddening that there are days I can't wake up
I'm walking around alive but I'm not really there
The lights are on and no ones home
Except the house has been vacant and burnt to the ground
My mind is fixed on things that I can't fix
Worried about things that I can't predict
I hold in my heart a fear of nothing
Yet my soul grows tired from the fact that I'm dying inside
You only get one shot and I've fired past the target
Missing my prime I now just sit and wait
Knowing what I know I know that I will never even die
Just waste into nothing like the sound in my mind
White noise is not the best way to describe
What it's like to live inside of my shell
The sound is so quiet that it results in pain that lingers forever
Burst the bubble and come outside
To find the world bowing down to the sun as it cooks them alive
I am a legend and a hero of renown
But I hold no trophies and no one wants me to sign
The broken pieces of paraphernalia that mark my existence in time 
How I wish that life would press on me the extraordinary
So that I could sit in a room and tell the tales
Without the listener falling into a coma
Even I don't want to hear myself
As I speak of the mundane expression of humanity that I eke out 
Dig the tunnel with a spoon and you'll know what it's like
The ghost inside this mediator wants out and he wants adventure
But when you live in the worlds most underpopulated town
You can do nothing but starve and go to sleep
Don't think I'm deceiving myself on this one
I'd set myself on fire just to watch me burn
If it meant that it could give me an escape for 10 damn minutes
Barely been alive and this whole time I've been stuck in my grave
There is living worth doing but all I ever see
Is the same old same old crawling back to me