Are you seen through this veil of mine?
Past the gimmicks and the charades,
Can I become visible in the truest sense of the word?
Will the glory sneak past the flesh,
In order that the world will know of my faith?
This flesh, Oh God I want to burn it off
I want to be charred and black
If that's what it takes for your face to be seen
It's the only way out of this mess
This hole that I've dug for myself
Becoming this creature that I hate
I couldn't stop this if I tried
But without these drastic measures,
Can they see the Spirit that lives within me?
Is this a test because it feels like a chase?
Running down my fears to subdue my doubts
Learning every day that I'm not worthy of the ground you walked on
So much pain and it's so unrelenting
All I want is for you to be made known
That they would know you as I have known you
You are so much more real then what the pages in the book point to
Let them look into my eyes and know
That the creator of the universe lives behind blue lids
The very windows to my soul
Why can't they see that this is where you always are?
Remove the filth, remove the vile
Repulsed that this temple is drenched in the blood of the unclean
Yet my only desire is that they see and believe
Please let it be, let the truth come out of me
Monday, April 30, 2012
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Judgment
As in insider to the workings of the church
I can say with all honesty
That the most judgmental people to ever exist
Are those who belong to the congregations of the earth
For those who claim to be the children of the divine
Cast curses so quickly on everyone they can find
Especially on those who do not fit into the mold of their "righteous" insight
Yet what was to be pure you've stolen and defiled
So if I'm not mistaken
Was it not from His desire that this body was formed?
Are you not of the One who gave the sign of Jonah?
And from this God-Man who said,
That it was His desire that all men come unto Himself?
This exclusion is such a waste
For I've seen it to be the worst of my kins faults
When a child molests another child
You are so inspired to speak a spirit takes charge of your mouth
A harsh rebuke followed by a call to cannibalistic punishment
Kill or be killed and you think this is Gods heart?
Rather then the perfect love that makes all wrongs right
You gave a child over to Satan and all for what?
A mistake made by a young soldier in need of light?
So you drew your swords and aimed your bows
Lusting for a boy to be hung and his family cast out
So that they may face the cold world alone in order of payment to what?
Don't you see that you were the ones who were placed in their path,
For this was the purpose in which you were to act
To show love and bring about repentance without carnal injustice
This boy needed help and what did you reach for first?
A syringe full of poison and you jammed it into his heart
Is this the love your master talked about?
Was this the royal law laid down by the Savior slain for your broken-heart?
Yet the thing that takes it from bad to worse
When the Shepard stood up and fulfilled the call of Christ
You took the needle from the boys heart
And stabbed it into this mans back without a thought
Truth prevailed in the end but at what cost?
You severed the life line from yourselves
The silver chord was turned to ash and your spirit enslaved
Blinding your eyes and being put back under the weight
After what your King did you've cheapened His work
Paying the price with blood for your sake
You forgot that your freedom was given by three nails placed
How swiftly you've all turned and shielded your face
To sort it all out it must be like this
Those who stand at the foot of the cross
Have forgotten the cries of the innocent who hung in their place
So now you'd rather face away from His gaze
For now we've become the very men
Who hurled the insults at the one who spoke of life in His death
As your child I am hurt and it kills me to see
That my little brother was led like a sheep to the slaughter
All while you held the sheers sharpened by your hardened hearts
No wonder the world hates us
They see this hypocrisy and jump head first into the fire reserved for hell itself
Wait until the day of truth is revealed
And your God stands with tears in His eyes
For the verdict will be sure as He reads
It was you who killed my sons and rejected my calls
Yet it is not I who cast you out
You put yourself in the darkness
When you walked out of church that night
I can say with all honesty
That the most judgmental people to ever exist
Are those who belong to the congregations of the earth
For those who claim to be the children of the divine
Cast curses so quickly on everyone they can find
Especially on those who do not fit into the mold of their "righteous" insight
Yet what was to be pure you've stolen and defiled
So if I'm not mistaken
Was it not from His desire that this body was formed?
Are you not of the One who gave the sign of Jonah?
And from this God-Man who said,
That it was His desire that all men come unto Himself?
This exclusion is such a waste
For I've seen it to be the worst of my kins faults
When a child molests another child
You are so inspired to speak a spirit takes charge of your mouth
A harsh rebuke followed by a call to cannibalistic punishment
Kill or be killed and you think this is Gods heart?
Rather then the perfect love that makes all wrongs right
You gave a child over to Satan and all for what?
A mistake made by a young soldier in need of light?
So you drew your swords and aimed your bows
Lusting for a boy to be hung and his family cast out
So that they may face the cold world alone in order of payment to what?
Don't you see that you were the ones who were placed in their path,
For this was the purpose in which you were to act
To show love and bring about repentance without carnal injustice
This boy needed help and what did you reach for first?
A syringe full of poison and you jammed it into his heart
Is this the love your master talked about?
Was this the royal law laid down by the Savior slain for your broken-heart?
Yet the thing that takes it from bad to worse
When the Shepard stood up and fulfilled the call of Christ
You took the needle from the boys heart
And stabbed it into this mans back without a thought
Truth prevailed in the end but at what cost?
You severed the life line from yourselves
The silver chord was turned to ash and your spirit enslaved
Blinding your eyes and being put back under the weight
After what your King did you've cheapened His work
Paying the price with blood for your sake
You forgot that your freedom was given by three nails placed
How swiftly you've all turned and shielded your face
To sort it all out it must be like this
Those who stand at the foot of the cross
Have forgotten the cries of the innocent who hung in their place
So now you'd rather face away from His gaze
For now we've become the very men
Who hurled the insults at the one who spoke of life in His death
As your child I am hurt and it kills me to see
That my little brother was led like a sheep to the slaughter
All while you held the sheers sharpened by your hardened hearts
No wonder the world hates us
They see this hypocrisy and jump head first into the fire reserved for hell itself
Wait until the day of truth is revealed
And your God stands with tears in His eyes
For the verdict will be sure as He reads
It was you who killed my sons and rejected my calls
Yet it is not I who cast you out
You put yourself in the darkness
When you walked out of church that night
Saturday, April 28, 2012
It Happened Again
It happened again last night
I saw your face in the crowd and I was afraid for my life
Scared you'd come back for some kind of retribution
Of what sort I don't know but this is for sure
That it would be built on the lies you told yourself
To make me out to be worthless in your own mind
All in the attempt to let me go
So you could continue to sin behind my back when I had always known
The smile on your face was a fraud
And there was nothing you could do
Somehow I had always known it would end like this
Everything accomplished went out the door when the phone clicked dead
The line went silent and in that I came back to life
But that does not explain what I went through last night
You were prettier in her face then what really does exist
My memories of pain are more forgiving then the time we've been apart
I saw you in her body
Moving with her grace and something more
The assurance of a monster with a seductive face
To this I woke in a cold sweat
From a dream in which debauchery took place
How do I keep going back to this?
I fear closing my eyes for I might awake in the lost realm
Where you dwell in provocative mannerisms that steal my peace
Hate fills every moment yet I can't walk away
Having no power over myself,
I am overcome by the pull you have on my heart
Either by lust or hate
It is nothing that I wish to boast
For if I had my way I would be filled with neither only tact
To keep myself from evil and run to the one I love
Nightmares weigh on me as I wake
Realizing that even in that land it is still me
And it all comes full circle once again
In me the man I hate is the one that still loves you
But when the boy peers in through parted wedding drapes
He sees that it is not out of love that the beast is satisfied
It is out of the desire for total control
Owning you for a night to slash your throat
So this is why the dream comes night after night
Because I want it to,
In the dark part of my soul that I wish to deny
How will I escape this plight?
Will it only be in death where I find rest in sleep?
All that I have left
Is to forge weapons from the fires of hope
in the attempt to destroy myself
Now tell me what kind of a future is that?
I saw your face in the crowd and I was afraid for my life
Scared you'd come back for some kind of retribution
Of what sort I don't know but this is for sure
That it would be built on the lies you told yourself
To make me out to be worthless in your own mind
All in the attempt to let me go
So you could continue to sin behind my back when I had always known
The smile on your face was a fraud
And there was nothing you could do
Somehow I had always known it would end like this
Everything accomplished went out the door when the phone clicked dead
The line went silent and in that I came back to life
But that does not explain what I went through last night
You were prettier in her face then what really does exist
My memories of pain are more forgiving then the time we've been apart
I saw you in her body
Moving with her grace and something more
The assurance of a monster with a seductive face
To this I woke in a cold sweat
From a dream in which debauchery took place
How do I keep going back to this?
I fear closing my eyes for I might awake in the lost realm
Where you dwell in provocative mannerisms that steal my peace
Hate fills every moment yet I can't walk away
Having no power over myself,
I am overcome by the pull you have on my heart
Either by lust or hate
It is nothing that I wish to boast
For if I had my way I would be filled with neither only tact
To keep myself from evil and run to the one I love
Nightmares weigh on me as I wake
Realizing that even in that land it is still me
And it all comes full circle once again
In me the man I hate is the one that still loves you
But when the boy peers in through parted wedding drapes
He sees that it is not out of love that the beast is satisfied
It is out of the desire for total control
Owning you for a night to slash your throat
So this is why the dream comes night after night
Because I want it to,
In the dark part of my soul that I wish to deny
How will I escape this plight?
Will it only be in death where I find rest in sleep?
All that I have left
Is to forge weapons from the fires of hope
in the attempt to destroy myself
Now tell me what kind of a future is that?
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Smoke
Blown across the sea
Drowning becomes my empathy
To be free from earthly bounds
Not that I want to die
Just passed through the atmosphere
Focusing on the beautiful things
Leaving all the darkness behind
I had a dream that I had never lived
And I woke up knowing it was all a lie
Everything I had ever known
Turned against me and walked out the door
I changed, I was free but only in my mind
But was I unhinged or did the chain just gain more links?
Alive or just breathing I can't be certain
Oh to know what truth and reality were
My God tell me if I'm a child of fire
Born out of sand to be something more
My destiny is up in smoke because I'm stuck
Caught in a life that I don't want for myself
A silver lining is all I have left
And it fades when the alarm rings and I'm forced to wake
Send me back to my dreams
My hopes and my desires
Even if they are grotesque and oblique
At least the longing for them allows me to continue breathing
Tell me who I am
Just another loner in this music city?
There must be more to living then going up in flames
Plea for me someone please
Where is my advocate and defender?
When will I have my rest,
In a grave I don't believe exists?
This is not living, this is not drifting
This is evaporating from a world that crushed my body
Gave up the ghost long ago
Not a cry for help just some food for thought
The man I became doesn't look the boy he overcame
All to carry a soul not his own
It all just became clear
For the soul he carries is infected
And now the disease has spread
Drowning becomes my empathy
To be free from earthly bounds
Not that I want to die
Just passed through the atmosphere
Focusing on the beautiful things
Leaving all the darkness behind
I had a dream that I had never lived
And I woke up knowing it was all a lie
Everything I had ever known
Turned against me and walked out the door
I changed, I was free but only in my mind
But was I unhinged or did the chain just gain more links?
Alive or just breathing I can't be certain
Oh to know what truth and reality were
My God tell me if I'm a child of fire
Born out of sand to be something more
My destiny is up in smoke because I'm stuck
Caught in a life that I don't want for myself
A silver lining is all I have left
And it fades when the alarm rings and I'm forced to wake
Send me back to my dreams
My hopes and my desires
Even if they are grotesque and oblique
At least the longing for them allows me to continue breathing
Tell me who I am
Just another loner in this music city?
There must be more to living then going up in flames
Plea for me someone please
Where is my advocate and defender?
When will I have my rest,
In a grave I don't believe exists?
This is not living, this is not drifting
This is evaporating from a world that crushed my body
Gave up the ghost long ago
Not a cry for help just some food for thought
The man I became doesn't look the boy he overcame
All to carry a soul not his own
It all just became clear
For the soul he carries is infected
And now the disease has spread
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Good
Can a man be good?
If goodness in God is synonymous with glory,
How can a man make his own glory to be considered good?
Will man ever be good in himself,
Or in doing that will he have to become God?
There is no one good,
Not even one
For only God is good
And we will never be Him
No matter how hard we try to morph the words
Man will always fail and have to rely on grace and love
But in knowing all this we all still try,
To just be good enough to get by
When all we were asked for,
Was just to live and forget the tree that made us fall
Is this what makes life so hard?
If goodness in God is synonymous with glory,
How can a man make his own glory to be considered good?
Will man ever be good in himself,
Or in doing that will he have to become God?
There is no one good,
Not even one
For only God is good
And we will never be Him
No matter how hard we try to morph the words
Man will always fail and have to rely on grace and love
But in knowing all this we all still try,
To just be good enough to get by
When all we were asked for,
Was just to live and forget the tree that made us fall
Is this what makes life so hard?
Means to Believe - Oh, Sleeper
You're building a ship with no sails,
And setting out to brave the open sea.
You're standing for your God,
But becoming something so far off.
Don't you see the irony?
He gave me a train with no tracks.
With no wood to build or burn for steam.
Despite all I lack,
If I derail he'll turn his back,
Don't you see the irony?
If the blind can see You,
And the lame can meet You,
Would the dead embrace You,
If you never gave them the means to believe?
And that makes no sense to me...
He gave me a voice that speaks out,
But paired it with a mind that's filled with doubt.
If I'm to find the sun, I need something more than
Song to pull me from this cave of questioning.
Give me sand to build a home,
And watch all the walls fall on me.
I can't change what I am,
The lions always kill the lambs,
But don't you see the irony?
Don't you see the irony?
If the blind can see You,
And the lame can meet You,
Would the dead embrace You,
If you never gave them the means to believe?
And that makes no sense to me.
Will I... embrace You? Will You
Ever give me the means to believe?
Answer me, please...
And setting out to brave the open sea.
You're standing for your God,
But becoming something so far off.
Don't you see the irony?
He gave me a train with no tracks.
With no wood to build or burn for steam.
Despite all I lack,
If I derail he'll turn his back,
Don't you see the irony?
If the blind can see You,
And the lame can meet You,
Would the dead embrace You,
If you never gave them the means to believe?
And that makes no sense to me...
He gave me a voice that speaks out,
But paired it with a mind that's filled with doubt.
If I'm to find the sun, I need something more than
Song to pull me from this cave of questioning.
Give me sand to build a home,
And watch all the walls fall on me.
I can't change what I am,
The lions always kill the lambs,
But don't you see the irony?
Don't you see the irony?
If the blind can see You,
And the lame can meet You,
Would the dead embrace You,
If you never gave them the means to believe?
And that makes no sense to me.
Will I... embrace You? Will You
Ever give me the means to believe?
Answer me, please...
Fear and Getting Right
If I am honest with myself I see I am absorbed by fear
Not only the fear of myself
But the fear of another,
I'm not even sure if I remorse over the thought
And how can this be,
It seems we are going back to duality tonight?
If perfect love casts out all fear
Then am I yet to know perfect love?
Though I have seen this love and looked it in the eye
I cannot say if I have attained it or even if I tried
For there once was a women who consumed me
She made my life a beautiful mess
And though she walked away I still feel her deep inside
There is a part of her that remains within
Dwelling next to the monster inside me
Dreaming of her on random nights turns me against myself
Now I have two entity's that I cannot rid from my mind
I am horrified by the thought of seeing her again
At every inkling that I think she may be
I turn to find it was only by comparison to a form and likeness not
That the stranger I behold is only a mimic of my antagonist
Is she really an enemy?
Is she really my foe?
I turn ready to fight, but not in physical shape
Preparing myself for a battle of holding back floodgates
To keep all the emotion from destroying the world in its wake
Of how I was crushed when everything I worked for walked out
But after the nights of tears I think back
Was it really due to loss of love or loss of hope that water flowed like blood?
That she died when she pulled out her own life support
The cord was me and I kept her grounded in the right
A blessing that should have never been
Yet to say that I can't even know if this is all real or not
For who is to say that they foresee the coming and going of footsteps
I myself am caught in the death gaze of my past
Only waiting for the moment that it comes so I may overcome and walk away
Not in retreat but in making her regret
The worst thing she ever did was making a fool out of me
Stealing years that will never grow back
Though if it weren't for all that
I would not be the person I admire to call myself
I am a child with trash can hands
With a mouth full of filth
Heart grown cold and black all in an instant when I think back
Self consumed, this is not who I want to be
Even in the midst of everything I gained to build the wall up
How do you make right a fear you don't know why?
Oh how this all feels like rot
I'm decomposing from the inside out
Not only the fear of myself
But the fear of another,
I'm not even sure if I remorse over the thought
And how can this be,
It seems we are going back to duality tonight?
If perfect love casts out all fear
Then am I yet to know perfect love?
Though I have seen this love and looked it in the eye
I cannot say if I have attained it or even if I tried
For there once was a women who consumed me
She made my life a beautiful mess
And though she walked away I still feel her deep inside
There is a part of her that remains within
Dwelling next to the monster inside me
Dreaming of her on random nights turns me against myself
Now I have two entity's that I cannot rid from my mind
I am horrified by the thought of seeing her again
At every inkling that I think she may be
I turn to find it was only by comparison to a form and likeness not
That the stranger I behold is only a mimic of my antagonist
Is she really an enemy?
Is she really my foe?
I turn ready to fight, but not in physical shape
Preparing myself for a battle of holding back floodgates
To keep all the emotion from destroying the world in its wake
Of how I was crushed when everything I worked for walked out
But after the nights of tears I think back
Was it really due to loss of love or loss of hope that water flowed like blood?
That she died when she pulled out her own life support
The cord was me and I kept her grounded in the right
A blessing that should have never been
Yet to say that I can't even know if this is all real or not
For who is to say that they foresee the coming and going of footsteps
I myself am caught in the death gaze of my past
Only waiting for the moment that it comes so I may overcome and walk away
Not in retreat but in making her regret
The worst thing she ever did was making a fool out of me
Stealing years that will never grow back
Though if it weren't for all that
I would not be the person I admire to call myself
I am a child with trash can hands
With a mouth full of filth
Heart grown cold and black all in an instant when I think back
Self consumed, this is not who I want to be
Even in the midst of everything I gained to build the wall up
How do you make right a fear you don't know why?
Oh how this all feels like rot
I'm decomposing from the inside out
Sunday, April 22, 2012
The Duality of Man
There is part of me that I hate
And not only do I hate it, I fear it
To fear yourself is not healthy
I would rather respect myself then hate myself
Nevertheless there is a part of me that causes fear
Because I know what it is capable of
It thirsts for violence, to feel life slip out from beneath his fingers
To pillage and destroy and take only for his own
Wishing for a satisfaction that defiles the royal law
By murder and orgy and selfishness and pain
Even using rape as a tool to bring about the fire of doom
Desiring to be the worst of all the worst
To damn ever soul through disease and torture
So others will know pain and be at the mercy of his whips
Calling for the free man to slit his wrist
In order that the rush of blood will release him from his cage
He wants nothing more then to be loosed
To master the universe and become the very God that he hates
This is the left over fragment I spoke of
An older presence from a younger age
So dark and vile that the thought of it makes me cringe
What to name this creature of mine is up for debate
For he feels like man, machine, and deity.
Is it a state of mind or is it an actual person?
Is it an undead me or is it flesh that won't yield to crucifixion?
Is it one of many faces a man carries,
Or is it a fact that there is a deeper carnal existence in all?
Did I evolve from something so primitive,
That it wished to destroy everything in light of preservation?
Was it created in the framework of protection,
To keep the demons at bay by becoming a devil?
I don't know what or who it is but I hate it
If I could remove it and never see it again I would
At in instant I would cut it's ugly head off
For it does not agree with the man I've become
A man of peace and civility that wishes harm on no man
I take offense to think that this was just a coping mechanism
To me this was an entity that did not and does not belong
Something born out of an ancient darkness
Coming up from an underworld beneath the pits of Hell
The spirit of an idea which was born through slaughter
This thing is evil, perverse, causing sin to overtake holiness
How can a preacher of righteousness be overcome by perversion?
Yet I deal with this everyday
I'm afraid to look in the mirror
For fear I may see the man I hate
Disgusting and disfigured, covered in the blood of his victims
It's a dual to the death and I fear that the me I want to be
Will never be strong enough to defeat this beast,
This shadow man that looks and is undoubtedly part of me
And not only do I hate it, I fear it
To fear yourself is not healthy
I would rather respect myself then hate myself
Nevertheless there is a part of me that causes fear
Because I know what it is capable of
It thirsts for violence, to feel life slip out from beneath his fingers
To pillage and destroy and take only for his own
Wishing for a satisfaction that defiles the royal law
By murder and orgy and selfishness and pain
Even using rape as a tool to bring about the fire of doom
Desiring to be the worst of all the worst
To damn ever soul through disease and torture
So others will know pain and be at the mercy of his whips
Calling for the free man to slit his wrist
In order that the rush of blood will release him from his cage
He wants nothing more then to be loosed
To master the universe and become the very God that he hates
This is the left over fragment I spoke of
An older presence from a younger age
So dark and vile that the thought of it makes me cringe
What to name this creature of mine is up for debate
For he feels like man, machine, and deity.
Is it a state of mind or is it an actual person?
Is it an undead me or is it flesh that won't yield to crucifixion?
Is it one of many faces a man carries,
Or is it a fact that there is a deeper carnal existence in all?
Did I evolve from something so primitive,
That it wished to destroy everything in light of preservation?
Was it created in the framework of protection,
To keep the demons at bay by becoming a devil?
I don't know what or who it is but I hate it
If I could remove it and never see it again I would
At in instant I would cut it's ugly head off
For it does not agree with the man I've become
A man of peace and civility that wishes harm on no man
I take offense to think that this was just a coping mechanism
To me this was an entity that did not and does not belong
Something born out of an ancient darkness
Coming up from an underworld beneath the pits of Hell
The spirit of an idea which was born through slaughter
This thing is evil, perverse, causing sin to overtake holiness
How can a preacher of righteousness be overcome by perversion?
Yet I deal with this everyday
I'm afraid to look in the mirror
For fear I may see the man I hate
Disgusting and disfigured, covered in the blood of his victims
It's a dual to the death and I fear that the me I want to be
Will never be strong enough to defeat this beast,
This shadow man that looks and is undoubtedly part of me
It's been a long time
In 2009 I decided I was going to start writing again...well that never happened. It's 2012 and I really think now is the time to start again. I've been through a lot since that time and it has changed me into something so different that the person I was is now lost except for a few fragmented shadows that remain in my mind as memories of the past that formed me.
This blog is going to be dedicated to a few things. First will be poetry like always, after that will be spiritual insight, ideas, random thoughts, and anything else I can think of. I'm not really sure if I'm going to keep this all family friendly, so every once in a while some rated R content may appear...better R then X, because sometimes the darkness I was dealing with back in the day was so oppressive that it got crazy, boarder line murderous/suicide note-esk.
It's a new day. Let's do this!
This blog is going to be dedicated to a few things. First will be poetry like always, after that will be spiritual insight, ideas, random thoughts, and anything else I can think of. I'm not really sure if I'm going to keep this all family friendly, so every once in a while some rated R content may appear...better R then X, because sometimes the darkness I was dealing with back in the day was so oppressive that it got crazy, boarder line murderous/suicide note-esk.
It's a new day. Let's do this!
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