Shoulder Recorders (Rated R)

The account must be given
The nails they must be driven in
Every word spoken revealed
Every thought dreamed portrayed
Imagine the devil and an angel on your shoulder
But scratch the divine all I see is red
This boy is possessed by two demons
There is no good in him
No honor and no remorse
These spirit hold to their own form of sinning
One is into bloodshed and the other into immorality
Seeing the same episode of life offering two different answers
Half of the kid wants to use a meat cleaver to solve the issue
The other wants to bend Mrs. Cleaver over the sink and rape her
Scream for me so that I know that the torture is really working
My shoulder recorders talking to me
So how can I hear what you're bitching about,
With these little guys sticking forked tongues in my ears?
Infectious to the max there is nothing better
Tell the tale of when the corruption was at its peak
When dysfunction was the prescription for my disease
Come home from a hard day at work to find my wife cheating
What do they say?
Number 1 here he goes
Okay buddy this is what you do
Run to the room and grab your gun
Hold them at its point and begin to beat them with it
As they're passed out get the duct tape and string them up
Locked down to chairs you cut their eyelids off
They are gonna watch as you cut all their skin off
Pouring salt in the wounds the acid drips begin to fall
Pulling out teeth and fingernails and there is no looking away
This will make you think twice before fucking behind my back
Finally the piece de resistance I sharpen rusty knives and cut off both their heads
But before the blood starts pouring number 2 speaks up
No no wait there is a better way to let out your anger
Torture is all nice and good for the John you caught in adultery
But for the little lady it has to be much worse
She was the one who decided that the sacred vows you took meant nothing
Make her watch as you molest this new man of hers
Then turn your full wrathful attention on her 
Cut off her cliteris before you punch your fist through her pussy
Pull out all her hair as sodomy becomes the next step in the surgery
Taking out a heart while it's still beating is the name of this game
Finger her with her own finger off of the arm you chopped off
Forget using an axe, use your fucking teeth and drink in the crimson river
Make the tears she's crying really worth something
Beat that cunt so hard even her own mother wouldn't believe this is her breed
Now they're both dead time to get rid of the evidence
Set both of these fuckers on fire until only ashes remain
Dump them down the toilet and now there's nothing left
Remember the last step and this is the crucial one
Forget everything you just did so when you're questioned you'll be telling the truth
This is what happens when there is no angel sitting on your shoulder
Only two faces of evil pulling all the strings
Wake up boy this has all been a bad dream
Yet as I raise and look in the mirror I see the burn marks
Marking where two little devils sat during the night controlling me
Man the only thing I can think now is damn I really fucked up this time
The End

Drywall Baby

White wall
White wall
White wall
White wall
Blank ceiling
Remember when we were kids and we sat in an empty house?
Jumping down the stairs hoping to break a leg
Just to get a little recognition from mommy and daddy
Now I'm going to them for money and they can't send it fast enough
Paying bills for me maybe because they are finally feeling guilty
Manic states that I drive through everyday
Changed for the better after the had graduated
Leaving behind the ownership of a home and a son
To being piss poor just like me after they put me out of the street
Still they have something in the reserves
And I can't help the fact that my middle finger is still stuck on fuck you
Saying thank you is like drinking down acid mixed with anguish
I shouldn't of had to go to you like a groveling dog
Begging for scrapes at the table
The saying finally makes sense that they will always return to their own vomit
But you probably have to have food in your stomach to throw up and eat it again
Months into my rehab and years into my therapy I'm still popping pills daily
Depressed just like I used to be and I'm still blaming the parenterals
How many times can I count the rotations of this ceiling fan,
Before I fall asleep from a bottle full of ambien, paxil, and viagra?
My heart is scorched and scourged like it was the body of Christ
No redeeming qualities just give me the lethal injection
I was born in an empty house addicted to nothing
That's why my mind is so quick to go back to what it's always known
So many of you people tell me that you care yet I feel all alone
Commander of the ship sailing straight to hell
Man I hate writing shit like this it's just so uncreative
But the story must be told that I was just a little drywall baby
Hopefully this answers the question of why after so much medication,
This child is no where closer to getting better

I Don't Know Who You Are But I Hate You

Angry again but it comes out so subtly
In a look in a glance
Walking down the street with a chip on my shoulder
Bogged down by this monkey on my back
He's carrying a flame-thrower and he's ready to kill
The universal you that takes all my abuse
One is my enemies one is my parents and one is everyone else
I challenge them all to mortal combat
Kill or be killed that's the motto that I live through
Like a tiger in the forest looking for something to eat
I'll kill anything that breathes
Nothing like spilling blood on green leaves
Cutting the throats of all the people that give me dirty looks
Not in real life just in my head but I think maybe not
Thinking, tinkering, plotting, waiting for the right time to strike
Hate is such a strong word
Maybe that's why I use it all the time
I have to find things to love but that list is so short
Yet finding things to hate that list goes on forever
So full of it my father would have told me to go sit on the pot
Flatulence that shoot fire it smells like shit but the point is made
Sometimes life stinks but once you push through it's like a beautiful flower
Coming up through crap to be something usefull
Probably should have just buried you under the soil
Six feet deep dead with pennies on your eyes
Giving you fare for the ferrymen but look closely
The ride to the underworld is a dollar but you've only got 2 cents
Fucking with you even when you're dead
Man I can't believe that in such a dark piece,
I'm actually sitting here laughing
It gives me joy to hate you and there are just so many of you to point the finger at
I hate you

Crazy Lady (Rated R)

Just as I was about to hit the hay I hear a beep on the phone
Look at the screen and see that it was you
A blast from my past that I wouldn't hesitate to blast
What part of I fucking hate you do you not understand?
Leave me and just raise that little fucked up baby
Fear and dread are the first things to fill my head
I have to text my lovey and tell her what's happening
Love it so much when she tells me she'll never get through her
Gets me going when I see her pick up the pipe of violence
Toke on that kiddies and learn that murder solves everything
Crazy fucking lady how is it you lay low for so long,
Then suddenly when I'm seeking help you come back
Fucking my life up even worse then it was before
Tossing and turning remembering the words that you still care for me
There is no fucking way bitch that you care
The way you left me then try to come back all crying
My beef will never be eaten that I hold against you
Forgiveness seems to have vanished from my vocabulary
When it comes to you I'm glad you're so far away
Because by now I might have burnt down your house
Taken back what was rightfully mine by beating it out of you
Sodomizing you for the sake of holding on to the pride
Telling all my friends that you moaned like a whore as I ravaged you
Nothing good is in you and you think that you can handle a little girl?
Get the fuck out of here with all that shit
Talking about that you are always praying for me
How could that be when I've been praying for years to forget the memories?
That I could go back in time and erase the day I first met you
I learned so much in that time but all of it was bad
Turning a sweet little boy into the enemy of everything
Just kidding I was always a little hellion you just added to it
No one in history has ever made me want to cuss and cut off heads like you
You burned me down to the bone and I held on everyday for you
Fucking felons and officers behind my back
Telling me at home that night that I was the one as well as the problem
That I loved you too well, well fuck it get the fuck out of here
So much better off without you
Finally I don't see you sneaking up behind me
Or driving up next to me on the freeway following me home
Trying to digest me like you could understand the murderer who lives inside me
You couldn't even get your own emotions together
How the hell are you going to figure out mine?
I rue the day I met you so much so that I sometimes wish I was never born
Just so that I didn't have to spend 3 and a half years wasting into shit stains
See the anger that builds up?
See how you mix two toxic ingredients to send me into blast off mode?
Just once I'd like to knock some sense into you
A blow to the jaw that puts you in a coma
Bitch don't ever put my name in your mouth again
What's done is done and we will never be friends
But for the sake of sanity I'll keep this all to myself
I'll just unload it on this page so hot the screen begins to melt
Fuck you bitch get the fuck away from me and don't look back
Or I swear on my ruined life that there will be a bullet hitting between your eyes
That's the end of the story no more no less
Go back to what you know best
Fucking up your own life and only thinking about yourself!

Men In Broken Mirrors

Seeing a reflection that is no my own
I don't recognize who that man is
Moving on his own to the beat of his own drum
The motion does not mimic mine
Who are my eyes looking upon?
So foreign and so profane
I'm having difficulty fathoming this
It is a different world there
Beyond the glass break
A realm of possession and fear
All in all there is control of all existence
Pain is the motivator and hate the fuel
Broken mirrors are talking back
Anguish is poured out from the tap
Drink deep the brew of the monstrous
Shatter the pane and let them out
Nations tremble as the riders in black approach the gate
Who let the shadows out of the cage
Now is the time when the debt will be paid back
The price of freedom has its consequence
Fill the cup with blood
And prepare for the reign of the new covenant makers
Mans oldest sin has become their king
Lust for more of the forbidden has finally taken control  

The Loss

The sinking has begun
Back to the place of loss
History repeats itself
And the pressure begins to mount
Ride on soldier and save yourself
Leave me here to rot
Depressive roots once dwelt in the dark
The sprouting of leaves now changes all that
Black hole sun has given the energy
Yet this time it seems different
Not wanting to pick up the gun
But a will to change the past and future await
Stuck in the mud is the best way to describe it
Trying to get up when you're paralyzed is harder then it looks
I've lost who I am again
If only the fortunetellers could have saved me
Maybe it would have been better if the former worked out
The knife would have cut and the bullet driven deep inside
Wounding beyond return the cancer now bites back
Slipping down the hole
Where is my revelation of the divine rescue?
Come my way life bearing spirit
The loss is now too much to bear

The Black Hall

A glimpse into the mind
Where the poetic is strung together
Like dead leaves on a sulfuric vine
This is where I see myself
Heading into Hell like a man facing the electric chair
Walking with arms tied
But no guards to lead the way
Just a black hall with twists and turns
Full of creatures that seek to devour
Dogs and wolves set with teeth for war
Bears unchained to unleash the savege
This is literally where I see myself
So much more then prose on a board
It's the manifestation of pressure in a broken skull
I will take you to the place where demons dwell
Rising up out of the earth for my final breath
Everyday I see this with my very own eyes
Walking down streets lit by the sun
Yet the vision taken in is a whole different story
I see dust and ash
Burnt out buildings falling to ruin
Men and women are only the lies they tell
Bombed out and burned they are just tattered remains
Zombies walking in ripped clothes
This is my tribute to the world I see as I look at you
Bleak and black full of disease and torture
You wonder why it is so hard to find the positive
When all I know is the destruction of my sanity
Call me cynical or that the cup is only half full
Whatever it is I couldn't care one ounce less
Scream to me what they all said
You're an asshole breed for the life of a bastard
And it all came true every last breath of it
But let us go back to the shadow world
My reality that I can't just explain but that you must experience
To understand you must look at the background
Limitless in its possibility but logically it is only nothingness  
Black like my vision I hope this helps you some
Your son is walking down the black hole to ruin
And there is nothing you or anyone can do about it but know this
You've just walked with me through hell
You're never alone from this point on
I'll always be here to wrangle your sins so redemption draws near
The black hall calls I must go back

He Nods At Things Being Begun

Purpose deformed and defamed
What is wrought is not always what's right
Immortal men sitting atop the world
Peering into the lives of insignificant beings
What will they find as the examine my mind?
Will there be laughing and cheer,
Or weeping with gnashing of teeth?
Around the corner lays a new life
But at this point it might as well wait
Like the lost lover who yearns across the sea
On a widows peek victorian in state
Stoic yet petite in lace as tears kiss dirt streaks
When will my sailor be home she cries,
How long until my life takes a step toward the divine?
The place of drooping shoulders has been set for so long
Who will come to help me bear this cross of mine?
Question after question fills my mind
Yet darkness closes in quicker to settle a soul of nausea
A pen is presented in shadow held in gnarled hand
Dip it into the censor filled with the blood holy men
Sign your life over and let it be mine
Veiled eyes hide in hooded black gaze
I strain to see but make out approval
Sinister in a cheek smile that sends shivers to the spine
Look into the sky and see the clouds roll by
Raining in a field it's a table cast from devastating stone
Standing alone with a stranger in tow
This is now what slays me
To take the utensil and later die by fire
Or hold onto the failure for the everlasting where the worm never dies
Bowing to the cash cow for riches and glory
A dilemma of obvious proportions
Everything seems to stand on hold
For even the rain of misery doesn't hit the ground
What is a life now infested with pain?
State the blank and understand why
Beginning to believe that I am nothing
Without the ego that is different then I wanted
I dream of the passion of the beast to be mine
That the shell of the man awakes to find he's weak and dying
Make the monster me and I he
To the greatness of kings will shall raise but consider the stakes
This is the poison of anxiety mixed with temptations kiss
Growing out of a child who has venom for plasma
New things are being begun
How will the end of this story be written out?
One more beep on the monitor before the flat line strikes
Pick up your weapon and sign the life away on dotted lines
Or turn around to find that a heavenly father stands by your side
There is no retreat now just a freezing in time
Drop the bomb and leave no one alive
Let no one survive and end it all tonight
Beginning again seems so far out of reach
But the becoming of all that is vile seems to fit my state of mind
Who will I be when I wake up in the morning?
Speak to me my muse of a mind
Create for me the end of my story before I give up fully
The Devil is now waiting and he hates no for an asnwer
 

Lo Fei Gibetto De Le Mei Case

The clock ticks as I see it walking past
Ringing the tunes of the dead
Dread fills the room where that young boy sleeps
Awakened in cold sweat and he's quick to think
Be sure you aren't dead for the funeral bells now ring
This isn't a dream this is more real then anything
So much thought goes back to that day
The reason I live with the fear
Looming infanticide creeps into my mind
A grown man trapped in fetal doom
Alone on the floor the cold wind sweeps over
The choice was made for me and I drank the glass
Filled to the brim with pesticides
Killing the seeds of holiness
My righteousness was filled in flesh first appetites
Striving for perfection I sought the witch
Eat of the apple and the pain stops
But it was a lie and one I will never forget
Satanic signs are now placed over my life
A curse with no romance to break it's chains
Drag on the course of this life
Into what once was dim I see for truth
Pits of burning sulfur rise with ash on black wings
One more breath and I'll try to escape
I wish I could go home again
But there is no returning to where pain was birthed
I am the ejaculant of demons into resentment
Remember when I cried out for my life?
Nothing has changed since those days
The plant was cut but the roots stayed intact
Forming up above neglected soil the harvest will soon be ready
All because of what I choose oh so long ago
I made my home be my gallows
Time is running out and line is soon approaching
When I step across it will all be over
Will there be enough time to save me,
Or will I be forced to stay as this monster forever?

Aliens Among Us

How do we know that who we know are really who they say they are?
Secrets come out in the dark
Looking through your neighbors garbage
Just so you can blackmail them in court over discrepancies
I talk a lot about masks and I'm sure we all wear them
What if we all knew the truth,
And it came out that we were all beamed here from outer space?
Everyone had their minds erased and we all claimed the lies we were fed
Just so we could be some kind of social experiment
A TV show for little green men
Shot on location on a distant blue planet
They were tired of watching actors who knew they weren't what their name tags said
So they made us believe we were actually who we said we are
And now they watch us fight wars and make love to each other
Enter-species pornography becomes some kind of crazy bestiality
Probing us for thrills nothing scientific about an antenna in an anus
Maybe this explains why we walk around pretending we were somewhere else
Hoping to move out of life and into one where we aren't being watched
Big brother was actually a brother from another creature
Blood running blue and not from lack of oxygen
Poison is what courses through purple veins
Living in a crater on Venus with two beating hearts
They seem to be so much worse because black hearts are multiplied
Two for the price of one existence
This is the mind that I try to calm at night from fears and imaginations
He actually thinks we are some kind of alien soap opera
So much for being crazy
His genius expanded so far he went over the edge like Hannibal Lecter
A foreigner on his own world the truest form of an illegal alien 

Anti-Superman

Bruce Banner goes back into the telephone both
Turning into a monster for another night
This superhero isn't blue he's green because he's mean
I just mixed DC and Marvel
Somewhere in nerd hell I've just been reserved a seat for myself
But this caped crusader is nothing like the rest
No city to call his own
Without a secret lair or a belt full of toys
Just bare hands and a plan
To beat the world into submission
Not even wanting to be known
Just working in shadows as a symbol for justice
Making bad men think twice before they take advantage of the innocent
He came from a world where his kryptonite was his parents
And everyone knew it
They carried it around and when I wasn't looking they stabbed me in the heart
It's when I was noticed that the pain set in
But when you walk away and pull out the knife that's when the bleeding begins
This is my blessing yet it leads to my decline
Afraid of no man until I meet that one man
The one who stands in the way of my destiny that I've yet to find
Carried a cross on my back for so long I thought I was a target
Until I turned around and realized that it was a dead body
No wonder all the kids used to fear me
I carried around my victims all tied up in a knot
Look into my eyes and see the reflection from my memories
When I set fire to that building just to kill the criminal within
Woke up in a hospital with 5th degree burns on my eyelids
I had set myself on fire forgetting that the demon was forged in flames inside my soul
I'm a superhero without a mask I don't care if my enemies know me
Craving the attention just so I can have the right to slay them
Wrapped around my neck are the trophies of successes
The heads of my victims shrunk down with violent voodoo
Cursing the day you were conceived I'm giving your parents STD's
You will now be born with sickle cell enema
Blood infested with infection you won't make it out of the first trimester
I took you out in the past changing the space time continuum
Like I was Michael J Fox in back to the furture
Driving a delorean with a machete and a sub machine Uzi  
Fuck blood I want to see some lungs coughed up
All to bring balance back to the universe
So wait for the day you see me jumping off buildings in tights
Because that's the die I've lost my mind and you'll lose your life
Anti-Superman but I'm no villain
Lex Luther has got nothing on me
A genius beyond my years I live by martian clocks
Just don't confuse me for a foe I'm just holding a gun to protect you
Maybe I'll justify having to kill you by saying I was saving you from something worse
Time to take a flight of fancy my alter ego needs his body back
Live in peace fine citizens and you'll never have to see me

Traveler

I'm lost
Walking in circles
Looking for a place
Where glaciers collide with skies
Seeing only grey cloud and shadow
Remake the world bleak
Revoke the sun and only shine by the moon
Pulsing its own soft light
In darkness the tones seem more natural
Traveling like a pilgrim
I'm only passing through
So raise your weapon
Shoot me down as I hop the gate
Trespassing on the dreams of others
Highjacking them for myself
For I have none of my own
Lonely traveler walking in the snow
But this brand falls red
Not expecting to find blood in the air
What to do next I don't care
Apathy seems to fit me oh so well
I'm lost in a world all my own
There is no one here to guide me to freedom
This traveler now lays dead on the road

Wishes

Wish one is this
I want to be set free from my memories
Gaining all the experience without all the consequences
A total erase of my mind
So when I looked at myself I wouldn't only see mistakes
My past is such a mess and I've climbed out of the garbage
Only to find that the mound of the future is worse
Like a looming Everest there is no crossing for it's always winter
I want to be different with a new sense of self
Leaving that weak little boy to finally fend for himself
Wish number two is this
I wish that I had so much money that it was ridiculous
That the word millions meant nothing
And it wasn't until you got into the high billions that my ears perked up
Counting cash and hording it all to myself
Spending it on whatever I wanted especially on the ones I love
Always giving out and never asking for me
Like I had so much that if you stacked it you would never see the floor
Wish three goes as seen
I long for the day that I can make my love mine
I want her next to me everyday
Living like a queen in the luxury that she deserves
Away from her psycho parents
It would take more then just repenting to bring them back around
All I want is to live married in peace
Finally one last wish to make the list complete
I want to be leader of the world
With all the power of God
To strike down my enemies with furry
And to grant justice on the weak
Not acting as a hero but just a well prepared by stander
I don't even want to be seen or known
I just want to do what's right so that justice is finally brought
Would I kill for even just one of these you better believe it
But for them all I would give me entire soul
Just to have a few years of peace and harmony means the world to me
Yet now as I sit and think about it
My real wish is that I was never born so that I would know absolutely nothing at all

Driven

Remember last night when I told you that this was coming?
A ride with the devil off into the sunset
It falls off the map and deep into the ether
The sky the lives beneath where the water slips
A waterfall that drops off into space
I'm being driven around by a chauffeur with a mask on
But a fight broke out at the steering wheel
Don't even know who has their foot on the gas
For sure there is no one on the brake
Because at the rate we're going
There won't be a stop except at the end of that rope
Here let me help you recall that
Last night I had a dream about when I was a little boy
Bowing down to fear and shame
But the guilt that crept in was an aftershock of manhood
The first wave of pain came just as I was pulled from the womb
Chord around my neck I was struggling and not breathing
Guess when I look back no one relieved me of that suffering
So who's going to be the one to drive this shell of a man to his next stop?
Don't even know the destination except that it leads to nothing
Hope appears to be a reoccurring theme
Hopelessness seems to be closer to the truth
Premature audacity that I would actually make it out of here
Driven into madness and driven into worry
All I have left is my anxiety and the strain to make it through
Yet the perspective that rears its ugly head is this
I'm being driven head first into a wall of spikes

Lady Justice

12:30 am and I have work in the morning
Can't help but think even though I want to sleep
The chase I talked about can wait until day break
All I want to know is where is my justice at?
I can't wait until it comes my way
When I no longer have to stand opposite of the accusing forces
Give me my power back
Without it coming at the end of a knife
Overthrow this kings that reigns in me
With guns that smoke from firing at my inner peacemaker
Call out to God and wait for the answer
I know Hes got my letters
Maybe He is just waiting for the right thing to say
I don't hate Him and I don't blame Him for this
That was the old me back when I was 17 or so
Lady justice grant me liberty
Take your sword of punishment and use it to cut my chains
I'm calling out for answer
Remove the blindfold this isn't 50 shades of grey
Being kinky is the last thing on my mind for once in my life
The only thing there is the yearning for freedom
23 years of living in a cage
And when the 24th came I was put in a box
So what can I expect in 2013 when I'm another year older?
Will life tie me up like a yoke of oxen?
Forcing me to breaking up ground I won't reap fruit from?
Give me liberty of give me death
The latter has never looked more appealing
Wow I just realized that I'm now going backwards
Mid-life crisis is hitting early
But when your life has always been a crisis you've got to expect that
Tired of all this victim shit
Give me the reigns to the world and you'll be the ones taking the nose dive
Face first into a volcano
Time to burn you bastards I'm in control now
Wake up it's just another pipe dream your life still sucks

Mad Men

Don't even know why I saved this title as a draft
All I know is that I speak murderous lyrics
Like the fire of a black dragon of acid
There is nothing more I want to do
Then to take bath salts and rip your fucking face off
This man is motherfucking menace
Demonized by the lord of hell fire
Chief priests of the underworld want to consume me
Maybe that's why I'm so angry
You would be too with Beelzebub on you tail
Mad at the world and mad at myself
It's getting so bad I can't even tell you who I want to kill first
Changing from wanting to being hung in my closet
Strapping on guns like a modern day cowboy
Dreaming of rape following self mutilation and forced entry
I don't even want to commit felony's for money
I just want to do it take control of something
And if that happens to be a loose women so be it
She shouldn't have been showing off her body like that
A criminal lives inside of me
Maybe this is the reason behind why I'm so mad
So who else do I have to blame?
Nothing good happens after 10pm
And I'm out wondering the streets until the sun comes up
Traveling through astral projectory into the nightmares of murderers
All I see is dead people but I'm the little boy that put them there
Laying under white sheets with family standing around crying
Please don't tempt me it takes very little for me to squeeze this trigger
Listen to my words and recognize that I should be feared
Stay back at least a hundred paces
Pull down your hat as I walk past
Don't let me see eyes following me
God forbid that you see the real me and it kills you instantly
Mad men run the world and they all live inside me
But that's enough for tonight and it's time for bed
Follow me in your telepathy and get a glimpse my reality
Next up on the stage is a car chase that will lead you into what I see
Taking you on a journey of when I began to feel like I was someone else
Hanging from the top bunk of a room I don't remember
Neck broke from blunt force trauma
That sudden stop at that end is the cause for all this
I'm so fucking mad so do you dare me to drive?
Who knows where I'll end up next but that's a story for another time

Heavy Is The Head That Wears The Crown

Pressure to perform I've become the court jester
Wearing so many hats and none of them make money
I can do this and that with skills beyond my years
Yet all I'm seen as is just another problem child
Conforming to a form that I don't even know anymore
Standing up out of the ashes of a former life
Lift high and dry by mommy and daddy
But I kept on fighting and picked up an ego on the way
Thinking that the world would be better off
Not if I was dead but if I was the one in charge
Running the world like a kung fu movie
Cutting off heads and enforcing a law that I won't live by
Remember my past and singing lullaby's from older days
Row your boat your blood forms a stream
Gun shot wounds to the head
Memory loss, is that the reason that my inner man has a lisp?
So creative but the only thing I can think of is revenge
I swear on my pathetic life that one day I'll get it
Somehow my magical thinking has got me beliving
That one day I'll blow up big and then I can pull the strings of life
Does money really make the world go round?
If so when I finally get mine I will buy the worlds biggest crown
My head is so weighed down by thoughts that come out at random times
When I try to rest I just wake up to dreams that haunt me
A weakness that I just can't lift enough weights to build up as something worth showing off
Damn this perfection is going to be the death of me
Being a king of nothing ain't worth the shit I take on a porcelain toilet
And after so much progress I still hate myself
I'm finally remembering what I used to write about
How I was nothing and suddenly the tones all changed
Switching to blame that was the name of the game
But after so many years it only makes sense that the reason behind the pain was me
Make my enemies a footstool for my feet
Look past my toes to see that it is me humiliated on all fours
New dream is just a repeat I think the pain ends when I eat a bullet
Stress is a killer there's got to be a faster way out
Fuck, it just makes me want to scream
Attach myself to the anchor of something halfway decent
But I can't find the rope to pull myself up with
I guess I'll have to take this noose off and use that
My life is a mess but at least it's by design
Never really wanted this but if I have to take something I'll take this
Brain damage due to an overdose of neglect and hardship
Heavy is the head that wears the crown
Am I the only one that knows it's made of fools gold?

Guilt Hangover

Once again the heart beats faster then it has to
Once again I've gone too far
The best night of my life became a waiting game of shame
Who knows what's gonna happen next
Like using words that just aren't in my vocabulary
Compulsive liar but the guilt tells a different story
The truth hurts when it contradicts what the world sees you as
Somebody is bound to find out
One day I'll die and they'll find all my dirty secrets
Skeletons in my closet are the least in my problems
Dead prostitutes in my dresser drawers is getting closer to reality
Lust and perversion wrapped in a blanket of love
I could tell you exactly what you need to hear
All so that I could get my way
My way or the highway
Forcing you to work a corner to make daddy some presidential faces
I've lost track of what it means to be pure
A black ticker with arteries clogged by thick oil sludge
Nothing good really exists inside of this man
So many parts fighting for supremacy
Bipolar disorder would be a step up in my situtation
Lets list all the cronies who wear masks in my mind
First there is the little boy who my therapists says will always remain alive
As much as I want to get rid of him he just won't die
That part of me that holds on to hope and purity
When the shell of my body has lived long enough in the world to know
Nothing good is really out there he's just a waste of space
Next comes the monster who is pure rage and lust
All he desires are cannibalistic rendezvous with coked out porn stars
White hot anger is his fuel and it takes the strength of 10 men to hold him back
A killer who never needs a weapon he just reaches out to chock you
Next there is the righteous vendetta vigilante
With the anger of the monster but with the morals of a logical case of man slaughter 
Another form of protection that sees the world for what it really is
A cold hard place that offers nothing to bring you up as something worthy to be remembered
Alpha takes the wheel most of the time
Driving me straight and on the narrow
But once the fuel hits the fire in the back seat
That car is off the cliff before you can blink
The weakest member of the bunch
Even the boy has more influence in what happens next
How can I keep living when I'm controlled by phantoms?
Yet at the end of the day I hate all of these people who live inside me
I'm waking up every morning so hungover
Eaten alive by last nights escapades
So go ahead and read what you think
But if this one got published I'll be spending time behind bars
Or at least in a padded room chained to a jacket that's anything but straight
Fear that I really am crazy and shit like this makes me really think
I've got split personality disorder and it's destroying me slowly
This has already gone too long I've got more to say but that's for another time

Afraid

Once upon a time not so long ago
A little boy stood in the closet
Not wanting to come out
Wandering and searching for the reason
Mommy was always yelling
And daddy was too tired to put up
So I grew up with imaginary friends
The monster under my bed became my protector
Crushing skulls he taught me everything
How to be evil and build up impenetrable walls
Now I know all the moves
Breaking bones is just like breathing for me
Finally I came out and I came out fighting
Knocking fuckers out like I was Mike Tyson
One punch one kill
It was as simple as firing mental 50 caliber rounds
Pouring out my rage that was so pent up
You just released a masked serial killer on the world
Full to the brim with ammunition
His words were his power
And his fist and feet were bombs photographed in the background
Killing enemies as well as family members
Seeing my parents hearts break was a success that I could celebrate
I no longer had to be afraid of what they could do to me
But times changed and I found love
Now I scare my girlfriend because she looks into my eyes
Empty and void of emotion
The only thing she can see is a fire that ignites when I'm backed against a wall
I don't need that monster anymore
That little boy grew to a man who is compassionate and looks out for the innocent
He doesn't need to kill his parents anymore
Phantoms from depression don't exist so the giant must go
Masking pain with humor or outlandish behavior is done
This beast no longer deserves a place inside my heart
So now I shake with all kinds of new fears
Afraid that he will come out to seek and destroy
Outside of my control he still breaths even if it is in a cell
Breaking chains was never a problem before
And over the years I've seen him grow in lock down
Adding fuel to his fire with all the bullshit of life in the world
I'm tired of running away from myself
I want to be present and more then just a shell of a man
This monster has to die but he has no enemies
No poison can kill him and no bullet can pierce through his skin
So how do you choke out something that doesn't breath?
Made to never tap he'd rather fail then give up
Please God take the knife and cut this serpent out of me
Crush his head or at least make him invisible
Because I'm so tired of this shit this is isn't a real life
Fear of anything tense I can no longer live like this
Goodnight

Hell: The Sequel

Welcome to the shadow realm
Where tears become real fears of falling from graces
Demons crawling up your legs
Doing all they can to salt the wound
There had to be a part two
Because the fires that burn like an eternal inferno
Were never enough because one day they'll cease
But the rage that I hold will go forever
Burning like a needle full of sulfuric acid
This is the sequel to everything evil
Only amplified by a thousand times
I want to be the man your mother warned you about
The one that will choke you in your sleep
Waking up with terror filled eyes
All you'll see is me smiling as I'm killing you
What does Lucifer got on you?
I'll buy the deed for twice the rate
Just so I can beat you every night
Like Ike used to smack his first wife only worse
There's no way you'll leave the beating for more cocaine
Once I had a dream that I walked through ash covered streets
Kicking cans full of brains down the lane
Black clouds covering the skies
Rain fell in buckets of blood
Like you just sacrificed all the children of the ku klux klan
Stuffing heads in a refrigerator
Open it up to the sounds of screams
All the nerves are still connected 
Everything ever thought is still remembered
Paying the price for sins committed against humanity
I can't deal with the fact that with money you can buy freedom
Piss poor and dealing with not being able to buy my baby Christmas presents
Looks like criminal activity is getting closer to actually happening
So if I have to rob and steal
Make me a hit man for an international crime family
Let me let loose on fools who won't or can't pay up
Leg breaking is the least of your worries
Cannibalistic imagery is closer to where the truth is leading
Eating your liver in front of your wife and kids is something I actually consider
A monster lives inside this boy and this is his agenda
To drag the world into his personal hell
It's the lake of fire with the number 2 attached to the door
Population just me and the voices
White hot agony fills the air tonight
The portal is open time to jump back and into real life
Where you pay the price to an angry man who wants to be king
Welcome to my nightmare it just got real

Blank Canvas

Ever present just lost in the misunderstanding
Sitting in a studio with a pallet of colors
But the only color that meets the brush is darkness
My favorite color is the one absent of light
Just like my eyes completely void of substance
The canvas is ready for me to make a masterpiece
Yet I don't want nothing all I want is to be set free
Draw the picture and make it come to fruition
Sketch the lines and it becomes clear instantly
That nothing can be done that I'm just a son of perdition
What good is there within a man that only sees in shadows?
Everything looks bleak and hopeless
A victim of my own creation
The life I lived needing to be so hard
I now cannot get away from
Wishing and hoping that I could be one of those nice guys
But all I know is killing babies in my mind with fire that falls from heaven
Speaking disaster and watching the curse take shape
Before my eyes I've seen young girls pissed on
Demons conjured up
And the loss of innocence all in the name of needing more money
All the nightmares played out in the day time
Sticking in my mind from images that will never be erased
I saw men die and the helpless chocked out
The yearning is born to be the anti-hero
Without emotion to kill all who rise up in demonic presentation
Not seeking reward except that which is found in myself
Take aim and fire and look how quick the hellfire turns on to scorch their flesh
Kill them all and let God sort them out
This is not the man that I really want to be
But it seems that no one wants to take on the task that this world needs
The justification for the children comes through bullets and bombs
Let me be the one who pulls the trigger, Lord this is my prayer
No remorse and no tears shed
I already had my low point and from here on out
I'm living on the top of the mountain
In success I have won through violence and gore
Pull the camera back to see that the canvas still remains blank
After all is said and done I am still nothing

Hit List

So you sit and ask who it is I want to murder
The scroll unfolds and the names are read off
You forget that I'm two different men that have been sewn together
One is bad and one is evil
Yet you have the gall to tell me that there is good in me?
I hate both parts of me ever since I became a devilish gangster
Like Gotti told his daughter that killing was just part of his business
This is my job to load weapons and sharpen knives
Now who makes the list?
And does righteousness hold a grip on my selection?
First is all those who hurt me
Those who get in my way and slow me down
Everyone that spoke curses over my life
All the fuckers that tried to end me
Hurt someone I love you just made the cut
The list is so long
Going on and on new names added everyday
But the deaths that you think you will die
Are nothing compared to what I hold for you
You'll be wishing to go out in the worst way in your own mind
Because the torture that I hold for you
Puts you in a position that you could never conceive of
What I want to do is not only hurt you
But everyone that you love and ever held closely
This is the nature of the serial killer that lives in me
Pulling your children out of your arms are forcing your eyes open as I slit their throats
With rusty blades I have to slice
Cutting through the flesh until it gets stuck in the bones
Air mixing with blood forcing gurgling sounds out
Masked by your screams I don't really care because now you glimpsed the real me
The shadows pull back to show the truth cast out of a block of darkness
I would rape your wife with a chainsaw just to give you a pinch of my pain
Seeing blood boil and tears mix with the dirt I kicked in your face
Before you go out you will become my slave so you will know what real remorse and guilt is
Nothing is easy in life and death is no different
Yours will be so difficult that there will be no traces of you ever existing
Loyal to no one but myself but the promise will always remain
When you beat the little boy who grew up black and blue
You will know that pain only that it will be immensely worse

Ethos

As I sit here in silence my mind all a riot
Aroused in the flurry of madness
The question does linger and I'll try to achieve it
Of who or what I have become

I've come to realize that to state the whole reason that the mind will go deeper
To know ones self is of the highest order

Especially when you feel that your life is in disorder
Putting it simply is what I feel is best

Asking the sages what answer fulfills my quest
Knowing what it is that truly makes a man
Will help me to understand the quality of my being

Is a man a man by becoming that which lives within his view?
A product of his nature and what surrounds his soul?
Or is it what he dreams of being far beyond his reaching?
Striving but never finding
Perfection is so eternally fleeting

Yet deep within his inner man the question finds an answer
By quiet times the voices die and lay bare a solved equation
That deep inside all men there lies a hidden dark agenda
It is in the taking of things that we gain our being
For we become what we consume

I've eaten from the masters table as well as from the floor
Part of me loves the elegance of kings who serve the common man

But deeper in me is a heart that cheats and wants the world to suffer
Soiled in lust for flesh I erupt to atrocity's that I will now yet speak

Yearning for skin to fill a need for consumption as well as the darkest of depraved thinking
Murder and sex are what drives this boy nuts
Causing a split at the seems

I see in myself that pinnacle of rot along with stoutest of righteous hearts
But how is it so that I am a villain and foe,
Alongside the savior and hero?

The topic for discussion can only be sought of
When one is a fool and a stoic
So who can I be when I only see a man who's being pulled apart?

The Root Of All Evil

So tired of this shit what can I do to change this circumstance?
Changing time and again just for some spare change
Jingling in my pocket falling through cracks in my ripped pants
How do I move toward a goal when it takes dollars to row the boat?
Every night having dreams that I wasn't so piss poor
Where we didn't fight about money
Craving a day where you didn't bitch that I can't maintain
I try to save but the bill collectors keep knocking
Twenty four years have been hard on this body
Look in the mirror to see blue eyes that begin to rot
Brilliance once held the gaze now only grey matter remains
Envisioning every night of committing felony's just to get paid
Slitting throats for a buck just so I don't have to see my love disappointed
I would jump off a building and break both legs if I knew I could eat again
Welcome to hell population me
It's only I in here the devil picked up and left me
No check no loan no promise to pay every time I put out my hand
It seems like my bad life has caught up with all my evil
Looking for tubes to syphon gas out of strange cars
Hoping that maybe I'll drink some and vomit up this demon in me
This spirit that keeps me in poverty
Locked to chains that strip me clean of all my prosperity
Look at the effects of this life on me
Sharks swim to overtake a poor little seal lost at sea
Money really does make the world go round
And when you lack you see that everything just stands still
Everything except for time
I just keep getting older and more haggard
The body of a youth but the innards of a geriatric
My heart slowly beats as it begins to stop
Pushing me to depths where I dream for a room with iron bars
The value of a life is worth nothing where I'm going
Straight downhill to a watery grave
Money really is the root of all evil