Murder Mystery: The Killer Is Me

Sneak into your house
I warm fire glows in the furnance
Coming down the chimney
Covered in ash turned black like the feet of frostbite victims
This Grinch doesn't want to steal your Christmas
He has come instead to kill you and your family
Murder steal rape pillage
A pirates life for me on this night the eve we celebrate the son of God
And only he can save you from me
I've taken a whole lot of pills and washed them down with a pack of adult beverages
Mescaline and speed mix it up in a bottle and swallow it with some PCP
I'm a fucking freight train now storming through your living room
Swords and knives killing wives bashing in brains of husbands and children
Burning houses down in the middle of the night
Told the police it was just to stay warm and to watch the pretty colors
You thought just because I was white that I didn't roll hard
Gangsters with guns and clubs, bayonets and fish hooks hooked to boots
You think I don't know about that kind of life
I'm the devil and I swear by my own name murder because that's my middle initial
All I want to do is wake up and burn the world down
No manifesto I belong to the small group
That wants nothing more than to watch the world crumble for no reason
But it has to start somewhere
And how bout that this is the only thing that I'm fucking good at
Kill of be killed isn't the mindset that I live through
It's kill and kill more pile up the bodies a billion deep
Instinct set to slash anything that I see moving
First I'll start in your house before I move through the rest of the block
There is the sound of weeping as the proverbial mother cries out
Lost one son to the crack and the other to multiple gunshot wounds
I am not gonna go out like a pussy and fire at you from a moving car
I'm gonna go up on your porch and kick in the door
Pull out pointed fingers and make fake sound effects just pretending to kill you
All before Jim Bowie makes an appearance
Come at me with your heat but just know this I don't believe in dying
Only murder and you'll never be able to swing the blade hard enough to cut my veins open
I am the masked killer on the loose coming in your children's window 
So sleep tight and don't let the bed bugs bite
Because the man under the bed is me and yes I am a monster who is ready to feed

Black Christmas

Again I'm like a baby left at the fire station
Cold and alone you left me
Everyone has a family but I don't got one
They all thought that they knew better
Sat in a room full of strange faces
Watched them open gifts and I got nothing
Must be selfish just to want love
But I guess not
I can't even get what I most desire
Another Christmas in the trenches
Left without even a baby brother to sit and sing a carol
Brings me back to that first Christmas after you left 2 months earlier
Woke up to nothing, no gifts, no presents
Just chilled to the bone alone in an Indian families garage 
Carpet on the floor dark and filthy
And I remember mailing you a box full of goodies
But shit this time around no one wanted to wait around
Had to go see your fuck up of a daughter
Not even a call on Christmas Eve to see how I was doing
Don't give a fuck that I'm the greatest thing you ever did
Made me and abandoned me
Seems like you did that shit on the same day
Why was I born into greatness and you can't deny it
Yet you won't even look my way
I got my girls daddy telling me he is going to give me all of his money
Told me he wants to help us with the wedding
And after all the calls and everything we've done for you
You don't even give a congratulations call or card or shit
Give me money like you're getting your teeth pulled
No novacane just rusty needles sticking your gums
Rolling in my grave now the sun burns flesh off because it ain't a holy day for this soul
You left me alone and on Christmas day at that
How the fuck can you say that you love me
Anything I would have given to be back in your good graces
But fuck that now all I care about is that I get mine
Yet for the life of me I can't figure out how to do that
Broke as fuck it's a joke when I look into my bank account
And you used to bitch and moan about having nothing left for us
Then you go and tell me that you used to make 2000 bucks a week
What the fuck kind of life did you give me with all of that?
Fucking nothing so here let me pay you back
Both middle fingers up when I do the math I see that that's almost 100000 a year
Then you got a tax return for all the goodwill you had given throughout the 365 you neglected my ass
Just a little kid with a dream of being something
But you had to shoot me down and crush everything I ever wanted
No support and no love and now you're trying to come around
Fuck that shit bitch you will never be what you had the chance to be
Those days are over mother fuckers
This is just another black Christmas cold and alone with nothing to show for it
Tell me to give and I'll get back
Problem is I don't believe in a God who works like that
Keep your riches and your money and I'll be the one standing in glory
I do it for me and the ones I love
And you'll never see a penny of what I make as I bestow it on the poor
My children will never know the pain that their daddy carries
Not having a family will never come about
I will always be there loving on them
And God knows you'll never see them they won't even know your names
The family tree begins with me your branches fell off dead
Burned to the ground it's starting fresh today
You left your son on Christmas and now he'll never make his way home
That plot was sold along with your tombstones
So tonight when the ghost of Christmas pasts come for a visit
I hope you shit your pants and your eyes start to bleed
They'll show you that it's too late to fix the life you fucked up
You'll see that your saint of a son is a devil waiting on blood orgies
I never got what I wanted so now you'll get what you never wanted
Merry Christmas mother fuckers your son is now dead to everything

Tis The Season

It doesn't feel like Christmas and I don't know why
Maybe because it isn't cold enough
I won't have you to look me up and down and scoff
Maybe because I won't get any gifts
I literally won't have to open a box of disappointments
Maybe because I don't see you acting strange
Knowing now why all those holidays turned into blood baths
You didn't want to even be around us
Sometimes I wished that you never came home from work
Got all these emotions in this season of giving
But for the life of me all I want to give you
Is a big FUCK YOU MOTHER FUCKER WITH TWO MIDDLE FINGERS
Maybe this year I'll give you your .38 back
One bullet at a time bastard
Just like the arrows you used to fire at me
Get a little kid to cry
Yes sir that's what makes you man
Good job you got your family to hate you
Have a happy new year
Alone in a retirement home
Fireworks go off but suddenly a rush of blood to the back of your neck
It's the bullet hole in the back of your head leaking
I stole your .40 caliber dad
Here I want to give it back
The exit wound blew out your face
So now I'll never be able to tell you that I'm sorry
The way you used to look in my eyes and tell me lies
This is a crazy Christmas sermon ladies and gentlemen
Tonight I stand before you on this holiest of evenings
A confessed madman and straight up killer
Maybe this is why it doesn't feel like Christmas anymore
Maybe for the first time I feel like I'm in control
Or maybe it's because I'm gonna spend 2014 behind iron bars
Who knows lets see how December plays out
Tis the season to see your family bleed  
Get ready everybody the monsters are out to play

The Feeling of Holding Secrets

Can't help but cry when I see those commericals
Dogs that have been beat and kids that sleep with distended bellies
But who the fuck cries for me?
All I do is give of myself
And whenever I need the time to lay down
I get a shit storm of verbal assaults
Man I thought those days were over
Now I get it at home and from across the country
But until I collapse I swear that I'll be different
You'll never see those grand kids if I have it my way
No one will ever talk shit to them like was done to me
That man was my hero and you talk down to the dead
How fucking dare you
I dare you to say that shit to my face
I am not above hitting my pops
Slap you down like you did to my spirit
Telling my mother that I would never be tough
How do you know what tough is you coward
You ran away from your children that came before us
Left them to the fucking devil and didn't give a shit
But God knows that if it was me in that situation
I would have gone to hell and back to save my babies
But remember no one cries for me
No one knows that pain that I've been feeling
25 years of you trying to pull my life support out
Telling me to cut the cord
Well that's cute but remember when your momma died
I was there to hold you and catch all of your tears
I spoke for you because I could feel all of your feelings
But fuck that I'm just a child and you think that I know nothing
And for that you don't deserve to be forgiven
But I'll do it for fucks sake to put the ball in your court
King in mine and you'll never be invited in my house
I'll keep you our in the freezing cold
Just so you can know what it was like in those days when you had it all
And you left me with nothing
Funny how when the tables have turned it's suddenly not fair to you
Nothing was fair for me and look at me now
Still struggling but at least I have a future
You'll be dead old and alone real soon
And just when you think that they'll be at your funeral
You've awakened to find you're a ghost with no friends
Let the hype die down and find out what it was like to be a son with no rights
An heir to nothing except everything I never wanted to my last day
Give it all back I don't give a fuck
You tell me everyday about how you've spent my inheritance
That's not a joke to me it's real because I'm fucking broke
You aren't even a man because you don't bleed like I bleed
The red pours from my eyes and for you out the wallet
Pop another tablet and make the pain go away
But I hope to God your nightmares eat you alive
Remember me your son
January of 88 the day came and you lost it forever
Your salvation went out the window
Thought I was stealing your wife and look it fucking worked
She hates you and can't fucking stand you
I know things that you don't know
And I'll be glad to tell you the day I get to piss on your grave

A Week's Worth of Vile Delusions

Buzzin' like I've been smokin' joints
Don't know what to do except let this out
How can I sleep on an empty stomach
Is like asking how does someone wake up with no alarm clock
My mind is racing like when Whitney couldn't say no to crack
Cry my eyes out on the phone and for what
For you to disrespect me and the girl I love
Fuck that, how could you say that
How easily I forgot that I'm just an after thought
That I'm just the kid that you left on the old block
Everything you did I told you was retarded
Yet you wouldn't listen to wisdom
The first sign that you were a fool to being with
Daddy wasn't there and mommy didn't like it
Told me you wanted to up and leave
To tell that buster to fuck off and burn in hell
But you wouldn't and you couldn't you were never strong enough for something like that
See how many extra bars that line went?
I could have told him I could have blew the spit over the ocean through the airwaves of hate
Finally I get some truth out of you
And again I put that truth in your head
Like those pills you used to take
Spinning were the walls back in those days
Yet all I ever dream for is to go back to those days
To make those days right and rearrange the days I'm in today
But the day I care for the most is this day
And even on my best day you still have a way of making it a bad day
How many times am I gonna go back to those days
Did you think that I'm just gonna bow down and forget things
You will never admit it to me
But deep down you fuckers knew that I was right
Out of the mouth of babes came your deliverance but no one cared to see
You just up and left me to the winter
Shivering to death in a garage with no insulation
Rodents were my roommates and there was no money coming my way
I remember that first Christmas waking up to nothing
But what was wrong with that
Since I could remember I unwrapped gifts with nothing inside
No thought no care and no knowing the son you gave up
Sorry is too late but I can't stand to see you cry so I'll just say that it's ok
But it ain't nothing about this is or was or ever could be made right for me
Now when they look and see it all finally becomes clear
That I was second to everything and the reason they hate is me
If you're connected to me then this is the way it has to be
You'll have to take a back seat
Just like me when my brother hit me with the buckle and you just fucking chuckled
Took pictures of me laying on the floor black eyes and all
Telling me to stop faking it
Am I faking it now mom now that you see me holding this gun
Last letter I wrote to you I told you I was going to blow my brains out
Saw the tears then and still didn't believe you
I'm so sick and no one gives a fuck
Tired of all your bullshit and it still doesn't sink in
You fucked my life up and still can't take the blame
Apologize for what fucker you just killed your own son
There is no coming back from shit like this
I don't even know what I really want to say
I'm just blasting lines down as fast as my fingers will carry me
You will never understand the issues but that's ok
I'll just grip tighter on this knife to slash your necks with
No title can cover the topics but this piece will smoke from powder burns
I'm freezing here alone in my own hell and I can't get away from you
Calling my name in my dreams
You just don't turn it off
Thought crusader is diabolical down to his last molecule
And you made me that way how do you fucking like it?
I thought I was going to tell you how sorry I was for being such a bad son
Letting you know I've seen everything good you've done for me to keep me living
But fuck that shit the monsters call me back to the old days
Where I hated everyone and everything
First day out of the sick bed and I'm back to killing memories
Reaching deep inside my mind and carving out all the good
No light behind these eyes all I want is to be ecumenical
To you that I am the boss of every demon that lives inside me
And I've sent them on a mission to destroy everything
Maniacal until the day I die and don't plan on going any time soon
If it's the last thing I do I will fucking be the death of you
So how dare you say those things if you don't believe them
The time for games is over
See you this weekend I can't wait to kill you

Peel Back The Flesh

Expose to the light what was so long lost
Do you want to know the dreams I hold in the night?
Cast out of the mouth of the ones who dared to kiss me
Who held me as an infant and dropped me off the cliff
To everyone that said I wouldn't amount to much
That cast me off like a leaper
There are no words for the hate I hold inside
I become another person when I think of you
The pain that you left me with
The struggle that took place after you left
Poor and hungry left to suffer and die
Saying that there was no longer a place for me
Kicked out of the good graces of people I was made to grovel before
I was your son, the heir of all your dominion
Yet you treated me like dirt and at worst like I was gonna fuck your wife
How dare you treat me like I was anything less than the best of you
So if you really want to see what I am underneath
Prepare yourself to feast on the imagery
I am the motherfucking devil
Sent to destroy you
All of you
To burn the world down and be the enemy I was born to be
I want to piss on the ashes and leave nothing left
Bring your women into my room and I'll slice out their tongues
No you will never be able to talk back
I will reach in with bare hands and rip out vocal chords
There will be no sound when I ravage you over and over again
And when I've had my fill of you
I'll throw you out into the oblivion of the new eternal night
The sun won't shine when I reign on high
I'll have it brought down and destroyed
Give me your children so I may show them love
Just before I break them over my knee and eat their entrails
They will know the face of death the face I wear forged in fire and ice
Keep peeling the darkness goes deeper
Let me sodomize the celestial beings that fire my fall
I've covered the bodies of the dead in gasoline
And you'll be disposing of my garbage   
This is my world and the one I dream of
The one I will make as soon as you step forward
Admit you were wrong and tell me you were sorry
I'll play the judge and jury before I break your fucking neck
Let me proclaim from the highest mountain top that today I have become God
Eliminating the ones that made me and remaking myself in the image of all that is wrong
Hate is just the tip of the trident that I shove through your heart
I despise the world, everything in all of creation
Let the cosmos fall and let me rule over the void of nothingness
Death comes on swift wings from above and I'm the one who fashioned the bombs
The power of death is mine and I so badly want to use it
Be afraid creation and tremble before me
No one is safe
I've just left myself out of the cage
The first victim was myself

The Cage

It was an unrepentant day
The sky was dark and I listened to the rain
Pounding down drip by drip
Falling to the ground like drops of blood
Each one hit like a bomb in my ears
War drums on the front lines for my life
I couldn't imagine the world I had made
Where I handed over my power to the goblins
The ones who once hung on my wall like trophies
Ready to devour me on command
I held them at bay for just the right day
Using them only when the time was right
Knowing when they came I would be lost to daylight
The bridge was burned and the chains erased
I wanted nothing with them when I saw the fright
Hurt endangering the one that I loved
So there they were lift
Hung by the neck the noose collecting dust
The silence increased as they withered
Voices which cried to rip my enemies apart grew faint
Yet when the rage turned red with white hot heat
I turned back to notice they were much more than pillars of salt
Filled with the power of the past
The forms grew ever so much more than shadows
Now the cage was formed
Hanging their avatars on my belt to remind me what I left in the past
My power to steal kill and destroy all that stood against my intent
Tugging on my chest like the pain from heartbreak
Tools are what they became
Used in times of trial
Brought to life by the curses of my mouth
They lay in wait ready to be cast when the time is right
I am not my monsters but they do become me
Stare at the face of the fearsome and a haunting image glares back
It was me on the wall for all those years
I am still the murderer underneath the covers of my indulgent life

King of the Mountain

Back at it one more time
Ladies and gentlemen one more for the road
The encore paved in lyrical gold
Woke up and rolled out of bed
Falling over on a chair
Landing on the ground
Standing up and hey look at that
A crown somehow sown to my head
I am not God by any means
But let me be clear
I do not fear death
It fears me
Scarier than any monster that comes up out of the pit
And this is by no means religious
No way in any form or way
Spiritual as an artist explaining the world through atheistic knowledge
Remembered for days how my dad used to say everything I loved was demonic
How bad things followed me
Did he know that Satan had come down to give me an award
Put the medal on my chest and made me a general
Hording over the armies of the underworld
Yet little did he know that I was a double agent
The pay on the other side was more than double
I had the world and I bowed down to no influence
Motivated to do nothing just what I wanted
Found perfection in myself by doing nothing
Nothing could stop me I was the king of the moutain
Standing with sword raised above my head
The manifestation of Wallace and Gandhi reborn
Peacekeeping warrior loved by all and hated by those that mattered
Mastered my own universe in some weird form of reincarnation
Resurrected and nailed to a cross
Two wood beams nailed together by the hatred and wrath of a physical mother and father
Born again on the third day transcending everything the theological world understands
I am not the Christ but God knows that when there is someone who needs to be wacked
I'm the guy you call to do all his dirty work
Assassin by name and this creed I hold as my own
There is no one better because I hold the power of death like keys on a lanyard
Nothing in common to the world I'm of a different species
Never once did I doubt after I awoke from my time spent in the hamster wheel
Spin the wheel now and tell them what they won Jack
A date with torture by the hands of the man who starred all hell in the face and laughed
Come at me if you dare this king has nothing that he won't do
Ethics and morals out the window I've become my own person
Horns and halos both grow out of the same old head
Black diamonds and the whitest gold all infused in the crown given to me by God
I'll pull the trigger and send you to where there is no coming back from  
God's mafia hits played out by me the jack of all trades, master of the hottest hatred
Call me two faced and call me crazy but don't you ever call me a liar
I'm the one your mother warned you about
Emperor of my own mind so come on step inside and get ready for a surprise
Put you on the rack so fast your head will fall off like the reaper hit you with his reaper
Prince, jester, long lost son now coming into my own
Like I said I'm the king of the mountain and don't you go forgetting
Remind mommy and daddy that the time of me being a slave is over
No I don't miss you and you'll never get your money back
I've burned through it, I literally set the greenbacks on fire
I'm the master now and I know you can feel it
Fall down on both knees and beg for forgiveness
And as the blade falls I'll smile and say
Flesh of my flesh and blood of my blood
I never knew you
See you in hell mother fuckers

Hi Mom

One more thought in the night before the light begins to fade
You fucking left me
Sitting on the kitchen chair
I can still see that stare on your face
Looking off into fucking space
Couldn't believe that you left it to a little kid to revive you
You stopped loving me to protect yourself
What kind of shit is that bitch?
You left a child to raise himself
And suddenly you call me saying you missed me
I missed you my whole life
I screamed for you and you never came
You screamed at dad and ran out the house
We asked him
DADDY DADDY WHEN IS MOMMY COMING BACK?
Just a push back and told get upstairs I don't care
Never knew if you would come home
Fighting back fears that you were fucking other guys
You know what it's like to be 5 and carry the weight of your mothers affair?
I hope it's true
I hope that one day it comes out
Just another reason for me to hate you more
This writing flows like blood like when I used to hide in the closet
Beating my head in the corner breaking my skull on plaster walls
Hoping for my brains to fall out so I could end it all
This is taking me back to when I used to burn with rage
The fire has rekindled and I'm ready to unload
Now a grown man sitting in another mans house
Looking at the walls wondering
What does it mean, how do I follow these signs?
You tell me you love me but where was that before?
Where was it when I needed it?
Where was it for that little boy that needed his mom to make his boo boo's better?
You left me to die bitch so why the fuck did you have me?
I was not born to be a slave but it seems like you only wanted me for my muscle
Do this do that and read my fucking mind
How was I to know that being your child included being telepathic?
I could never read your mind even worse figure out my own
The look on your face you've passed on the me
No emotions, no cares, shutting the world out to keep myself safe
The apple doesn't fall far from the tree now do it momma?
How I wish that the ghost of my anxieties would have taken flight
Come down from the ceiling to kill me
Spread me out naked on the floor
Drowned me in motor oil all for your enjoyment
Maybe then you would have gotten what you wanted out of me
The son of yours to be so far away that YOU couldn't be hurt by him
You never stood up for me and never gave a crap
So what the fuck am I supposed to say when you expect an I love you back?
It makes me sad and I say it with a tear but burn in hell mom
I don't love you anymore because you aren't good for me

Never Gonna Call You Daddy

There was a time when I looked up to you
I wanted your affection
I wanted to know more than anything else that you loved me
But life will never be like that again
How you can bitch and moan
I'm your son you bastard
How is it that I hold in every word told to that little boy?
Remember that day you picked me up to throw me?
Flying through the air and landing on my head
Remember when you told me that bad things follow me?
Releasing demons to chew on me
You broke my heart into a million pieces
You were my father but now you don't mean shit to me
Never knew why she always pulled away from you
Now as an adult it all makes sense
You poured out what she hated
Wrath on a baby, you feed him to the fires of molech
All so you could be number one but damn that backfired
Only echos are left in a house we no long own
Because of your sin of greed you had all you would ever need but you will never have me
I am the son that got away
You spent my inheritance so I ran away
Left the shelter of the covered wagons
Venturing out into the wilderness on my own
Now I hear knocks on the door asking for money you'll never get back
Giving with the attitude that I some how owe you
Motherfucker I was the miracle the best thing to ever happen
But what the fuck am I thinking
You had forsaken your other children why shouldn't you do the same to me
Don't ever tell me that you fucking love me!
Held up at the tip of a barrel
Hot metal burned the mark of the beast into my temples
You brought fear into a home that needed nothing but you fucking packing up and leaving
Maybe it would have been better in the end
But who knows those days are over
And just because you got that bitch ass daughter back up north kissing your ass
Don't think that I am gonna bend over and say please daddy forgive me
The daddy days are over now I'm the godfather
Holding motherfuckers at ransom and I don't even need a gun
Knives and machetes are useless
Everyone knows that I'm scarier then any nightmares you could dream of
Night terrors gave the little baby seizures
Perhaps that little boy knew that it was better to check out than be your son
Should have murdered you that night I heard you fucking my mom
Wouldn't stop until you had your fix and all I wanted was to kill myself
Strangle myself in my sleep hearing the bed in the next room creak
Never had I ever wanted the walls to fall on me quicker
Let the creature on the wall come down to devour me
I felt that it was at the time that you consecrated a marriage by rapping a kid
Fuck that shit, was it all of this that I grew up hating myself
You'll never be my father after this session that I now reminisce
Calling back dark memories in the night as a man on the brink of himself
Teetering on greatness I made this life myself
Evil deeds followed by Jesus forgive me
Tonight I take the life of the man that should have never sired me    

My Vows

Addy, I’m going to try my best to explain to you in words the love I have for you and the promises that I pledge to uphold for the rest of my life as I state them before God and man.

I remember the first day we met like it was yesterday. You had your hair up, and a black Fullerton college shirt on, but what you wore the best that day was your smile. Next to meeting Jesus that was the best day of my life. I loved you from the moment I laid eyes on you. I heard the Lord speak to me that day as we sat in the Rainforest Café say that not only were you going to be my girlfriend but that you were going to be my wife, but I didn’t want to tell you all that at once and freak you out. On that day you became my better half and I’ve never been better.

We are the perfect pair. We share a sense of humor, a thirst for knowledge, and above all else an undying desire to see Christ made famous in the world. Your desire for more of Him mesmerizes me and this is what I love most about you.

I know that I am difficult to deal with sometimes, and it is because of this that I can’t thank you enough for standing with me in all my endeavors, and promising to continue to stand with me as you take my hand in marriage today. You are the girl of my dreams and I know that God pulled you out of my dreams, formed you better than I could have ever imagined, and then delivered you to me as a gift of His grace. Every day you remind me that His grace for us is beyond measure.

Jesus says that we shouldn’t swear by anything but instead let our yes be yes and our no be no, so now I would like to let you know all the yes’s and no’s that I plan to keep with you.

Yes I will always love you

Yes I will always protect you

Yes I will always be the arms that hold you up

And yes I will always lead you deeper into the arms of God

No I will never leave you

No I will never stop loving you

No I will never give up on us

And no I will never find anyone better than you

I don’t believe that a person is truly made in the image of God until they are united as one with the person God has made for them, and I wouldn’t want to be one with anyone else but you. I love you and I can’t wait for our adventure to continue as husband and wife.

The Words I Could Never Say

I fucking hate the way you speak to me
All I do is defend you and you shit on me
How dare you stand against me
After all I've done
You take a tone with an attitude
There are days you deserve to be slapped down
It's no wonder why your kind were so despised
Looked down upon and made to serve
Cook and clean it's all you're good for
Forced to be ridden like animals
It's not wonder you were not allowed to speak
You don't fucking think as you start to fucking speak your piece
Saying I don't love you and I don't care
I bend over backwards for you bitch
And this is how you repay me
I ought to punch you in the throat
Then we'll see who has the last word
You want to call it off on a technicality
Well go for it because I'm tired of your shit
I've given you my heart and this is what you do
Run back to your mother bitch and you'll see
The cunt never wanted you anyway
You've so soon forgotten what it was like
When she used to drag you by the hair across the floor
You forgot the nights of terror as mommy and daddy traded blows
Trying to kill each other they put you in the middle of it
I was there to save you and you think I've done nothing
You want me to be a perfect prince but you don't seem to remember
I am a murderer washed clean to come in the house
But the blood on my hands will never disappear
The voices of my victims still cry out from beneath my skin
And you think that that just all goes away so quick
Watch your mouth with me little girl
Or your teeth might come up missing
I love you but I swear to God deadly force might be involved
In order to silence you so I can think for one fucking secound
I hate they way you treat me
Always turning away
But when I go and say a word you march out with armies of vicious words
Well if that's the way it's gonna be then I think what is really in order
Is a backhand to the face of the bitch who can't keep her fucking emotions under wrap
Being seen and not heard is sounding more and more like a good idea
So don't temp me or I'll break you and in the place that will always hurt
I'll crush your fucking heart just say the word

Nobody Knows The Trouble I've Seen

I close my eyes at the end of the day and it all plays back
A tape of endless chatter, nothing caught to replay
All I want is someone to know what it was really like
To walk a mile in my shoes
Bruised feet moving over the pavement covered in broken glass
It sounds poetic and it sounds horrific but in the end it is only this
There is a pain so deep that no amount of digging can bring it out
Lost to time and decayed the ruins of a civilized mind don't even remain
All I know was that it was just a misunderstanding
One that lead to my death
Broken teeth scattered on the cement kicked in by ones I loved
The mess is mine but made by others yet I'm still holding the pieces
I've beat my fists down into the ground and the blood pours down like rain
Painting the walls and staining my cloths, the puddles form where I never played
My life has poured out into obscurity and time just laughs in my face
If only the world could feel how I feel and know the things I do
They would never treat me in such a manner
Not if they wanted to keep on breathing
But this is just a repeat
A rerun of my time
And in all that I've got nothing to hide
Yet merit does not find a grip with all the holes in the story
For one day look through my eyes and see
That all that's left is blood but there's nothing left to bleed

What Changed?

Everyday I asked myself,
All my life who am I?
All my life who am I?
ALL MY LIFE WHO AM I?
ALL MY LIFE WHO AM I?
I screamed and screamed and there was never an answer
Just a lonely room on an island the world forgot
I was alone until a pure white light came
It gave me hope and it gave me rest
I worked in the beginning but then we were stuck
So far in love that the answers started making sense
I was here for her and she was here for me
And together we were the express image of something greater
Bigger and better then I had ever thought existed
She was the one and will always hold that prize
But out of the woodwork something did arive
The number could be counted on one hand
Yet to me it was like they came in droves
One by one they saw me when all I wanted to do was hide
I was changed and I didn't want to be that old guy
I wanted to be nice but now I see that it all backfired
I searched deep inside my mind trying to find
I was still that little boy who only wanted to die
No one ever wanted me and I thought I was cursed at birth
To live alone and die alone without the half my heart was searching for
Figuring out who I was in partial form led me down a very wrong road
There were others there waiting to exploit
Thinking long and hard and I still couldn't figure out why
Why there were there
Why they were talking
Why they were seeking
Why they were dead set on my flesh
Confusion set in and all I wanted to know was,
What changed and had I really become fine,
Something to be wanted, lusted after like my pedestal had surpassed the rest in line?
Never understanding even now as I write
Here comes a scary thought
If they only knew my true nature they'd never give me a look
So the realization is I'm hiding and I don't know why
I don't even want to show myself fully to the one I love most
Can I help that I like the attention but it forces me to run
Now my guilt outweighs my confusion and I'm trapped
But the thought that I can't escape
The thing that makes this all seem to be legit enough to be phony cash
Is what changed and why can't I see it in myself?

Same Old Same Old

I can't believe I'm writing again
How easily the thoughts come past
Through the fingers and onto the page
Stained with blood these hands have witnessed change
Since last we met things are different
But the dark matter sucks me back
And I'll never be able to write from the other side of life
I still drown in the blankness
It's so maddening that there are days I can't wake up
I'm walking around alive but I'm not really there
The lights are on and no ones home
Except the house has been vacant and burnt to the ground
My mind is fixed on things that I can't fix
Worried about things that I can't predict
I hold in my heart a fear of nothing
Yet my soul grows tired from the fact that I'm dying inside
You only get one shot and I've fired past the target
Missing my prime I now just sit and wait
Knowing what I know I know that I will never even die
Just waste into nothing like the sound in my mind
White noise is not the best way to describe
What it's like to live inside of my shell
The sound is so quiet that it results in pain that lingers forever
Burst the bubble and come outside
To find the world bowing down to the sun as it cooks them alive
I am a legend and a hero of renown
But I hold no trophies and no one wants me to sign
The broken pieces of paraphernalia that mark my existence in time 
How I wish that life would press on me the extraordinary
So that I could sit in a room and tell the tales
Without the listener falling into a coma
Even I don't want to hear myself
As I speak of the mundane expression of humanity that I eke out 
Dig the tunnel with a spoon and you'll know what it's like
The ghost inside this mediator wants out and he wants adventure
But when you live in the worlds most underpopulated town
You can do nothing but starve and go to sleep
Don't think I'm deceiving myself on this one
I'd set myself on fire just to watch me burn
If it meant that it could give me an escape for 10 damn minutes
Barely been alive and this whole time I've been stuck in my grave
There is living worth doing but all I ever see
Is the same old same old crawling back to me

The Letter Never Sent

SCREAMING AS LOUD AS I CAN
No words come out
I'm voicless
I've become my surroundings
Unheard the mouth opens letting the fire out
Dragons imitate but they could never produce this kind of filth
They say sign the dotted line and don't think twice
You have to be good now buddy it's for your own benefit
We know best and you have to hold it in
Self control is the key to winning this fight
But to that I say
FUCK YOU GO KILL YOURSELF
I've got this pent up energy
To kill, to spill the blood of all those who hurt me
You took my youth but gave me a weapon in return
The experience it takes to end every fucking one of you
But there is no relief
Standing over the dead there is no one left to blame
No one left to destroy with my fists
I'll bite the heads off of every single one of you
Spit down your severed necks and wear your skin as a mask
Hiding all the pain and the hurt
I'm betrayed by my own eyes
Rub dirt in them so they'll turn black and you'll never figure out another thought
Analyze this for a start
There is nothing more to do then just waste away
I see who to blame and yet they can't be touched
Yet I can't help feeling like this is all my fault
BUT THE RAGE WON'T LET ME FORGIVE MYSELF
I have to live off of the hate that has been built up
There is no fuel like it NO there is NOTHING like it
Yet the knives don't cut deep enough
The bombs don't blow away those soul fragments
Bullets to the head don't erase those kind of memories
I was fucked and left for dead and I still can't forget
It molded a monster, a man-eater
I've survived on the flesh of my enemies but now there aren't any left
How long can I go on by feeding on myself?
I came out of a shadow and entered into the world of shadows
There is no light there is no hope there is nothing to hide the scars
I've laid before the world naked and bare and they looked on in lust
Never in help, NEVER IN HEALING!
All I ever wanted was to be right
Now those hopes have gone out the window
Rope tied around the neck
The taught pull severs the vital parts from the mechanical
Second chances have run their course
Time to give up and float away
Fuck you if you think I'm gonna kill myself
I'd rather piss on an electrical line if I thought that would help 
NO! YOU WON'T TAKE ME, YOU WON'T WIN!
I'll let the devil come get me before I ever give in
Hate is such a power to live for, so much so I've never known peace
I've never known the love of a mother, at least one that birthed me
How do you live knowing things of that nature,
Holding something of such magnitude that crushed your ever waking thoughts?
You've never known the dark until the dark is in your mind
Years and years of pleading
No one came to rescue me from the haunts of the night
So I became one to fucking save myself
Finally you knocked on the door without an answer on the other side
You barged in to find a burning body
Once upon a time your son laid there
Now just his demons feasting on his corpse remain
Scary to think that you had a hand in this
So you console yourself by denying and denying until you believe the lies
Reach deep down and recall what it was first like
When you learned that your little boy grew up and lives life with his middle finger permanently up?
Remember the note and remember the day
Signed on the bottom "With love from the land of the dead"
That's the day you lost me to the dark for good
And for the rest of your life you will feel my wrath
Your little baby has become a whore to the god-forsaken things
Burning with anger the creed I now live by is this
One day and one day soon
I'LL HAVE YOUR FUCKING HEAD!

Bad Blood

What is this inside me?
Questions, questions, questions!
I don't know what it means to be alive
Ask the sky to rain and the sun shines
Every word spoken feels blasphemes
Dirty and unclean I've come back to my own vomit
Just a dog is what the undertone implies
Best friend to no man
My worth is not seen in the eyes of others
I make the rules
Don't get it twisted
I make the decisions
I've forgotten how to write and what it means to fly
The characters have died
Buried under mounds for some time now
All it means is that I will never be fit for a king
Use me, use me, but there is nothing worth doing
Make me good at one thing and I'll be god in my own mind
And maybe that is exactly why,

Perhaps this is why the words look better on the other side

I don't know a thing and yet my mind is full

Ask away and out comes the outcome

Situated in the dark I'm still seated in a place I don't like

Like the boiling blood turned cold

The change brought brings on flies in temperature loss

Swarming to the stinking festering mess

A disease takes root at the base of my mind

I might pull through this night and back into the day

By God the car has stopped and the image out the window fades

Pitch black and I'm back to the same old crap

I try to take it in and find the sign

Once I wanted to be something but I don't remember when

No one told me anything so now I'll tell myself

I can do it oh yes I can

But all that's left are dreams that I've left behind

Give it a second and try but there is no try only do

Yet the basket is so full of nothing I can't begin to pick it up

How do you see in the silence a life that is not collapsed under boredom?

There is no reason to be concerned

The strife isn't with you it is with myself

Fighting a battle while you are missing your eyes

That's what it's like when you live life hating yourself

So I'll keep seeking and I'll keep asking

But the winding road of mortal man has just become flat