There is a part of me that wishes you would say something
Just so you could know how I actually feel
I want you to say that you had a hand in this
Making me who I am
Acknowledging that you're proud of me
Based upon your own merit
Like you laid such a great foundation
And built a perfect son on it
Well I'm here to tell you what you really made
You created an altar out of stone and had them plastered
White and pure you laid the wood first
Shoving me on the pyre was what came next
Sacrificing me to fire and pain
Wolves encircled me to eat the remains
Yet I picked myself up and moved on
Building walls that you could never breach
With towers high to shoot arrows set aflame
These scars I wear are my bragging rights
Like tattoos with dates to remember a fallen friend
I'm the one who went through the storm
And came out clean on the other side
How dare you try to take what you didn't help me to get
You will receive what you deserve in the end
Shutting your eyes for one last time
The vision that forms is of a man with tears in his eyes
Laying out before you the lies you wouldn't let yourself see in life
A moving picture of a boy alone in a room with a gun to his head
You put me there says the voice from behind
How could you do this to your very own son
I stole my soul back from the devil
Reborn and ready to fight
Funny how when times passes you are so quick to forget
But when the truth is spoken I see you getting feverish
Sick to your stomach knowing that I will never let this slip
My grasp on the truth held tight
So be weary of your son
He's coming back and not a moment too late
Ready to fire just light the match
Nothing will keep me from spewing this over abundant hate
Set yourself up for the fall because it's coming
Just open up that mouth
Saturday, June 30, 2012
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
So About That Searching Thing...
Finding the universe that exists underneath the mynute
No joy in the simplistic I'm seeking the extravagant
Inside of the materialistic I yearn for overwhelming enthusiasm
Will I find something that creates an expression of enthrallment?
Does meaning in existence reside in the creations of the created?
I regret that so much of my fulfillment is found in the natural
The common mans charms are what bring me luck
But is there anything past the veil of over spiritualization?
Starring at the sun and wondering how,
How I can find beauty in the things not crafted in the hands of eternity
It seems like I'm wasting life by trying to live someone elses
Some find pleasure in the odd
Others in the flesh
Still some in the elementary
Yet I find that none of these things are for me
So what is for me without minimizing the things that are me?
Does a door to a distant dimension need to be opened
In order that I find what I enjoy as a parallel to the current constant?
I'm waiting to be shown and I don't know where to look
Beginning no where because I hold clues like blank cards
What we do defines us and I don't do anything
Defined by nothing, is this what I am predestined for?
Flat-lining on the existential and not on the arbitrary
Making a man from the mind of a man is harder when you don't believe
Faith is not the potion when you've broken down all the clay
I'm in need of a reformation consisting of the ingredients of the stars
All in order to stand out and shine like the brilliant one I want to be
No longer blind just without a leg to stand on
Who do I seek to know how I am defined?
Maybe my lot is to never know
And at the rate that I'm going part of me thinks that's just fine
No joy in the simplistic I'm seeking the extravagant
Inside of the materialistic I yearn for overwhelming enthusiasm
Will I find something that creates an expression of enthrallment?
Does meaning in existence reside in the creations of the created?
I regret that so much of my fulfillment is found in the natural
The common mans charms are what bring me luck
But is there anything past the veil of over spiritualization?
Starring at the sun and wondering how,
How I can find beauty in the things not crafted in the hands of eternity
It seems like I'm wasting life by trying to live someone elses
Some find pleasure in the odd
Others in the flesh
Still some in the elementary
Yet I find that none of these things are for me
So what is for me without minimizing the things that are me?
Does a door to a distant dimension need to be opened
In order that I find what I enjoy as a parallel to the current constant?
I'm waiting to be shown and I don't know where to look
Beginning no where because I hold clues like blank cards
What we do defines us and I don't do anything
Defined by nothing, is this what I am predestined for?
Flat-lining on the existential and not on the arbitrary
Making a man from the mind of a man is harder when you don't believe
Faith is not the potion when you've broken down all the clay
I'm in need of a reformation consisting of the ingredients of the stars
All in order to stand out and shine like the brilliant one I want to be
No longer blind just without a leg to stand on
Who do I seek to know how I am defined?
Maybe my lot is to never know
And at the rate that I'm going part of me thinks that's just fine
Wrath Through Absence
I feel like I've been saying this for so long
Waiting for the bleeding to finally stop
Pointing broken fingers to place the blame
Knowing the outcome before the source
The penalty for existing has come to this
Being given over to depravity
Lusting for the sake of lust
And killing for the sake of the thrill
Wanting so bad to rid you from my being
Yet you were inside of me
All the way down to the core of my soul
My mind blown when I realized how
You slay me now as I think back
Everything I ever did was wrong
Spoken to me through the lips of one I held as perfect
I needed you to be that for me and you let me down
Turning the tables on myself I made a mental picture
That I was the devil in disguise
If I believed in myself as much as I believed in you
This would be so much easier
But it's not
So that outcome was a broken bone sticking through
You poured out your white hot wrath
By leaving me to be by myself
Your absence speaks louder then your attempts to fix it
What did you expect to happen when you left me out,
That I would grow up to be something special?
Everything that's special I crafted for myself
Out of pain and torture I grew these muscles to lift myself up
From the gutter that you threw me in when you denied
The very fact that I was your own flesh and blood
My God this story is getting old but for once I see
It wasn't me that was wrong
So look at me now
Look at me now!
Waiting for the bleeding to finally stop
Pointing broken fingers to place the blame
Knowing the outcome before the source
The penalty for existing has come to this
Being given over to depravity
Lusting for the sake of lust
And killing for the sake of the thrill
Wanting so bad to rid you from my being
Yet you were inside of me
All the way down to the core of my soul
My mind blown when I realized how
You slay me now as I think back
Everything I ever did was wrong
Spoken to me through the lips of one I held as perfect
I needed you to be that for me and you let me down
Turning the tables on myself I made a mental picture
That I was the devil in disguise
If I believed in myself as much as I believed in you
This would be so much easier
But it's not
So that outcome was a broken bone sticking through
You poured out your white hot wrath
By leaving me to be by myself
Your absence speaks louder then your attempts to fix it
What did you expect to happen when you left me out,
That I would grow up to be something special?
Everything that's special I crafted for myself
Out of pain and torture I grew these muscles to lift myself up
From the gutter that you threw me in when you denied
The very fact that I was your own flesh and blood
My God this story is getting old but for once I see
It wasn't me that was wrong
So look at me now
Look at me now!
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
What I like
For 3 days I've been trying to figure out what I like, and not just things that mildly amuse me but that really bring me joy and satisfaction. Mind you I am talking about things within the physical universe and not the ambiguous, things like love and friendship. In my quest I've come to these two conclusions; I cannot think of a single thing I like and the materialistic world brings me minimal to no joy whatsoever. It is safe to assume that I must be a foreigner to this world and its ways because I don't care for them in the least bit.
My mother had a nickname for me; Mr. Negative. This must be why.
Saturday, June 23, 2012
Psalm of wishing
Why are all my memories so dark and sad?
Like going to bed hungry it makes me mad
Seeing the past through lenses that fade to black
My one wish is to be happy and to forget the bad
Bad Mothers (Rated R)
Stories turn in my head of bad mothers
Effecting my life in so many ways
Some that I don't even know
Still fucking with me after all these years
So here I am to tell a few tales
Of mothers of the past
Who fucked me up beyond repair
...
First things first I hold this story so tightly
I don't even remember the name given
Just fragments of a funeral and crying for nothing
But night after night I can't help but think
Of the final words that you spoke to me on dying lips
Molding so much of what you now see today
The failure seemed to begin when death blew on you
How was it you knew that the day was coming
When you would close your eyes forever,
Asking me to take care of your little girl?
Pressing a weight on me when I myself was just a little boy
You knew yourself that she was no good
And that the hope for changing her was in me
Look down from above and see
Your little daughter created a little bastard child
Years pass and still I can't shake the fact
That you weren't really a bad mother
You just fucked up by giving me a challenge I could never complete
...
The next bitch that I can't help but think of
Ran up the stairs leaving the children alone
A big brother fucked up in the head
Trying to raise a daughter that shouldn't have been born
Daddy told you to suck that thing out
Yet you wouldn't and to this day I don't understand why
Yeah you say you love her and that she is the light of you eyes
But you didn't give a shit when she was crying out for help
Leaving her to her own demise until I came around
Putting late fears far aside
Thinking that I could handle the emotional suicide
The scorn and the shame
All from a little girl who saw her mommy giving head
Always running to the aid of the next man who came
Forgetting your children it's no wonder your son hates you
Pills go down smooth after all the dick you took bitch
You created a monster
A mother with her own child now
Don't you see the failures
Almost 30 years old and she is still spending time in jail
You passive aggressive cunt I can't believe you got me cussing like a sailor
But no words speak loudly enough to let you know
That humanity is falling apart because of parents like you
Enabling your daughters to pick up pipes
White smoke opens the door for demons to come inside
Why should I think that things would change
You never did and because of it
You'll die in pain with broken children crying over you
...
Bad mom number three of the saga
This one I never laid eyes upon
Yet I hear the story and I know the pain
Seeing it in the face of the one who gives me the advice I'm seeking
You popped out kids like you were a Pezz dispenser
Giving them up without even a second thought
Who knows how many parts of you are out there
And how many of those rose up like the one that I know
She is stronger then I'll ever be
Coming out of darkness to earn advanced degrees
What you couldn't accomplish in a lifetime she could do in a day
An inspiration for throw away children like me
Without you I don't know if I'd still be breathing
Because when there was no one who wanted to pick up the pieces
The daughter you left behind was there to hear my expressions
Deep down in depression even I saw a speck of light on the other side
But for you nothing was good enough except yourself
How dare you take what you didn't help her to get
You selfish bitch I hope you fucking burn in hell for that shit
No one would wish for their own mother to suffer
But bitch you ain't mine so I'll do it on behalf of the one who stands with me
...
Next on the list is the one who screams at my love
How is it that you could be so blind and deaf?
Doing the same things that were done to you
Instead of turning the other cheek
You pulled the hammer back and fired into a fragile child
Oh for about 2 years now I've wanted to scream in you face
To show you that just because I'm white
Doesn't mean that I'm not a gangster
You think you know violence just because they cut off heads below Cali
You don't know shit motherfucker until you've looked into my eyes
Bad doesn't begin to describe how you are
Forcing your sick kids to do shit that you could easily do
But too lazy and you blame it on the husband
Doing so much that doesn't need to be down
It's fucking 10 o'clock at night and you're wiping down the stairs
OCD on overload I think the bipolar bear is kicking in
No wonder your kids want to leave
The little one has such poor self image
She wants to get her boobies grown bigger
Enhanced out of necessity because how you birthed her wasn't enough
A beautiful child and you told them both that they were nothing
How I wish to jump across that table and smash you with that pan
Bitch you are the worst of them all and I've still got another mother to go
...
Back in the day it was the late 80's and a boy was born
Struck a chord with daddy because he was jealous of my beauty
Doing all he could to get mommy's attention
Even saying that it was good for babies to cry
Well bitch you did it to end the argument
And growing up I could see how it ate at you
Wanting to hold the son who was bleeding
But afraid of your husband that you even thought of leaving
Yet nothing stopped the verbal blows and you wouldn't hide me
No peace in a home that was open to all
Can I really say that you were a bad mother,
Or was it just that you were weak minded?
Well here I am all these years after
Remember that night I left that note in your bathroom,
Telling you that without help you'd lose me forever?
Finally you woke up and took me to Nancy
Poor lady had been working on you two for so long
Seeing no results at least the checks you wrote were good
Fake tears and empty promises
She knew what I was facing before I even came in
A marked man from birth
I bore a mark that told the world it was okay to beat me
Calling devils in my room at night
I could hear the bed squeaking from across the hall
Knowing that that beast was blowing you deep
All in an effort to keep him under control
Don't you know how that fucks with the mind of a little boy
Lying to cover it up
Bitch I know what you were doing in there
Hiding my face and praying for sleep to come
Back so many years ago and I still remember the sick feeling
No one can take the memories
And that is all part of the facts that added to the thoughts created
Thinking that finally I would have some silence with a bullet in my mind
I know you really loved me you just couldn't show it
Man this anger is taking me outside the real world
Sitting here at 2 in the morning writing of the pain locked away
Open like a book filled with vipers
Smoke and mirrors can't hide the wounds anymore
As a man I have to look back and see that it was you who made me
Genetically and emotionally
Fucked over because you wouldn't stand up for me
How did this all come about so late in the evening?
It's like my mind is looking for more reasons the hate you
And now I have to shake my head to see you so different
Trying to be a mom but those definitive years have passed you
The time to be there is gone and I don't even want you anymore
You were the worst of them all and yet still I love you
Contradicting, the story of my life
But that's that and that's how it will always be
If I've said it once I'll say it again
Let's burn these motherfucking bridges down to nothing
Cross over with knives and stab the feelings
Leave the fuckers dead and wishing for resurrection
I want nothing more then to forget all these bitches
Live my life like adam born out of the love of a father
Never knowing a mother who could fuck him over
This is the aftermath of a man whose been on deathrow
These bad mothers fucked up my world
Now all I can see as the answer
Is hollow points pointed deep within my flesh
Time to put these nightmares to sleep
Goodnight to all those who created bastard child just like me
Effecting my life in so many ways
Some that I don't even know
Still fucking with me after all these years
So here I am to tell a few tales
Of mothers of the past
Who fucked me up beyond repair
...
First things first I hold this story so tightly
I don't even remember the name given
Just fragments of a funeral and crying for nothing
But night after night I can't help but think
Of the final words that you spoke to me on dying lips
Molding so much of what you now see today
The failure seemed to begin when death blew on you
How was it you knew that the day was coming
When you would close your eyes forever,
Asking me to take care of your little girl?
Pressing a weight on me when I myself was just a little boy
You knew yourself that she was no good
And that the hope for changing her was in me
Look down from above and see
Your little daughter created a little bastard child
Years pass and still I can't shake the fact
That you weren't really a bad mother
You just fucked up by giving me a challenge I could never complete
...
The next bitch that I can't help but think of
Ran up the stairs leaving the children alone
A big brother fucked up in the head
Trying to raise a daughter that shouldn't have been born
Daddy told you to suck that thing out
Yet you wouldn't and to this day I don't understand why
Yeah you say you love her and that she is the light of you eyes
But you didn't give a shit when she was crying out for help
Leaving her to her own demise until I came around
Putting late fears far aside
Thinking that I could handle the emotional suicide
The scorn and the shame
All from a little girl who saw her mommy giving head
Always running to the aid of the next man who came
Forgetting your children it's no wonder your son hates you
Pills go down smooth after all the dick you took bitch
You created a monster
A mother with her own child now
Don't you see the failures
Almost 30 years old and she is still spending time in jail
You passive aggressive cunt I can't believe you got me cussing like a sailor
But no words speak loudly enough to let you know
That humanity is falling apart because of parents like you
Enabling your daughters to pick up pipes
White smoke opens the door for demons to come inside
Why should I think that things would change
You never did and because of it
You'll die in pain with broken children crying over you
...
Bad mom number three of the saga
This one I never laid eyes upon
Yet I hear the story and I know the pain
Seeing it in the face of the one who gives me the advice I'm seeking
You popped out kids like you were a Pezz dispenser
Giving them up without even a second thought
Who knows how many parts of you are out there
And how many of those rose up like the one that I know
She is stronger then I'll ever be
Coming out of darkness to earn advanced degrees
What you couldn't accomplish in a lifetime she could do in a day
An inspiration for throw away children like me
Without you I don't know if I'd still be breathing
Because when there was no one who wanted to pick up the pieces
The daughter you left behind was there to hear my expressions
Deep down in depression even I saw a speck of light on the other side
But for you nothing was good enough except yourself
How dare you take what you didn't help her to get
You selfish bitch I hope you fucking burn in hell for that shit
No one would wish for their own mother to suffer
But bitch you ain't mine so I'll do it on behalf of the one who stands with me
...
Next on the list is the one who screams at my love
How is it that you could be so blind and deaf?
Doing the same things that were done to you
Instead of turning the other cheek
You pulled the hammer back and fired into a fragile child
Oh for about 2 years now I've wanted to scream in you face
To show you that just because I'm white
Doesn't mean that I'm not a gangster
You think you know violence just because they cut off heads below Cali
You don't know shit motherfucker until you've looked into my eyes
Bad doesn't begin to describe how you are
Forcing your sick kids to do shit that you could easily do
But too lazy and you blame it on the husband
Doing so much that doesn't need to be down
It's fucking 10 o'clock at night and you're wiping down the stairs
OCD on overload I think the bipolar bear is kicking in
No wonder your kids want to leave
The little one has such poor self image
She wants to get her boobies grown bigger
Enhanced out of necessity because how you birthed her wasn't enough
A beautiful child and you told them both that they were nothing
How I wish to jump across that table and smash you with that pan
Bitch you are the worst of them all and I've still got another mother to go
...
Back in the day it was the late 80's and a boy was born
Struck a chord with daddy because he was jealous of my beauty
Doing all he could to get mommy's attention
Even saying that it was good for babies to cry
Well bitch you did it to end the argument
And growing up I could see how it ate at you
Wanting to hold the son who was bleeding
But afraid of your husband that you even thought of leaving
Yet nothing stopped the verbal blows and you wouldn't hide me
No peace in a home that was open to all
Can I really say that you were a bad mother,
Or was it just that you were weak minded?
Well here I am all these years after
Remember that night I left that note in your bathroom,
Telling you that without help you'd lose me forever?
Finally you woke up and took me to Nancy
Poor lady had been working on you two for so long
Seeing no results at least the checks you wrote were good
Fake tears and empty promises
She knew what I was facing before I even came in
A marked man from birth
I bore a mark that told the world it was okay to beat me
Calling devils in my room at night
I could hear the bed squeaking from across the hall
Knowing that that beast was blowing you deep
All in an effort to keep him under control
Don't you know how that fucks with the mind of a little boy
Lying to cover it up
Bitch I know what you were doing in there
Hiding my face and praying for sleep to come
Back so many years ago and I still remember the sick feeling
No one can take the memories
And that is all part of the facts that added to the thoughts created
Thinking that finally I would have some silence with a bullet in my mind
I know you really loved me you just couldn't show it
Man this anger is taking me outside the real world
Sitting here at 2 in the morning writing of the pain locked away
Open like a book filled with vipers
Smoke and mirrors can't hide the wounds anymore
As a man I have to look back and see that it was you who made me
Genetically and emotionally
Fucked over because you wouldn't stand up for me
How did this all come about so late in the evening?
It's like my mind is looking for more reasons the hate you
And now I have to shake my head to see you so different
Trying to be a mom but those definitive years have passed you
The time to be there is gone and I don't even want you anymore
You were the worst of them all and yet still I love you
Contradicting, the story of my life
But that's that and that's how it will always be
If I've said it once I'll say it again
Let's burn these motherfucking bridges down to nothing
Cross over with knives and stab the feelings
Leave the fuckers dead and wishing for resurrection
I want nothing more then to forget all these bitches
Live my life like adam born out of the love of a father
Never knowing a mother who could fuck him over
This is the aftermath of a man whose been on deathrow
These bad mothers fucked up my world
Now all I can see as the answer
Is hollow points pointed deep within my flesh
Time to put these nightmares to sleep
Goodnight to all those who created bastard child just like me
Technology
This world we have is so outragious
Technology grows smaller to do the larger
People don't talk when before they didn't listen
Like a dream within a dream
The sense it made is lost on awaken
Now I can write what I'm thinking right as it happens
No more waiting
Slow going at first but it's not so bad
My thoughts can't escape the web of now
Laying on my back it's a picnic of my mind
A new breed of gizmos has changed us, wow
Can't believe how stupid this all sounds
But I'm writing this from a cell phone
Without speed or sound
Final thoughts leap as I melt away
How fun it is to capture myself
Before I fade to grey
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Lessons At The End Of A Journey
The end of an era is approaching
Only hours away and the mirror reflects the truth
How much I've gone through all these years
Shows in the scars embedded in my soul
Cut down deep from dirty fingernails
Lessons come to mind from all the blood and sweat exposed
First up is that I'm afraid of nothing now
How can I be hurt by anything if I was never hurt by this
Learning to stand on a razors edge
To cut back when things began to spiral out of control
Reactionary blows fly faster then initiating the hit
Attack from the back and pull forward and steal the heart
Revenge is so sweet with the victims blood is on your lips
Making you cry in the physical is my retribution
Retaliation for what I'm doing in the spiritual
Bleeding through holes that allow my soul to take flight
I've covered them in bandages of steel
Never again will they be reopened
Traumatizing is only half the facts
A part of me enjoyed the suffering that enveloped your mind
Exacting punishment at my whim
It was never about power it was all about principle
Teaching the world through strikes to the head
It's a mistake to try to take from me what you cannot freely get
Laughable to think I am somehow more then just physically changed
Yet I see the marks made by insanities daggers
Again I recall the things I've learned
Realizing that killing isn't something done easily
But the act as an art is swift to justify
Protection as a cover for murder is a Freudian slip
Snatching life out of lungs is simply done with pressure to the neck
I've learned again another way to let the monster out
At the end of the day it's clear to see
That what you brought out was more then I wanted to be
Masks depart and true forms take shape
So don't tell me just tell my ghost
I blame him for all I don't want to know
I'm now a skeleton with the closet door wide open
Ready to be exposed so don't press too hard
This dog is mute and always set to bite
Tearing off heads to get the point across
Lesson learned have a good life boy
You've made this man lifeless for so long
The question is now how will I learn to live?
At least I'm starting off right
With joy in my heart for the first time in many nights
All because I'll never have to see you ever again
Only hours away and the mirror reflects the truth
How much I've gone through all these years
Shows in the scars embedded in my soul
Cut down deep from dirty fingernails
Lessons come to mind from all the blood and sweat exposed
First up is that I'm afraid of nothing now
How can I be hurt by anything if I was never hurt by this
Learning to stand on a razors edge
To cut back when things began to spiral out of control
Reactionary blows fly faster then initiating the hit
Attack from the back and pull forward and steal the heart
Revenge is so sweet with the victims blood is on your lips
Making you cry in the physical is my retribution
Retaliation for what I'm doing in the spiritual
Bleeding through holes that allow my soul to take flight
I've covered them in bandages of steel
Never again will they be reopened
Traumatizing is only half the facts
A part of me enjoyed the suffering that enveloped your mind
Exacting punishment at my whim
It was never about power it was all about principle
Teaching the world through strikes to the head
It's a mistake to try to take from me what you cannot freely get
Laughable to think I am somehow more then just physically changed
Yet I see the marks made by insanities daggers
Again I recall the things I've learned
Realizing that killing isn't something done easily
But the act as an art is swift to justify
Protection as a cover for murder is a Freudian slip
Snatching life out of lungs is simply done with pressure to the neck
I've learned again another way to let the monster out
At the end of the day it's clear to see
That what you brought out was more then I wanted to be
Masks depart and true forms take shape
So don't tell me just tell my ghost
I blame him for all I don't want to know
I'm now a skeleton with the closet door wide open
Ready to be exposed so don't press too hard
This dog is mute and always set to bite
Tearing off heads to get the point across
Lesson learned have a good life boy
You've made this man lifeless for so long
The question is now how will I learn to live?
At least I'm starting off right
With joy in my heart for the first time in many nights
All because I'll never have to see you ever again
Monday, June 18, 2012
Clean Sheets
I can be whoever you want me to
Starting fresh and anew
Compromise and fear won't be my companions this time
I'll have new thoughts behind my direction
The tips of my breath will be seasoned with new hopes and dreams
Walking the path set before me
With a blank mind knowing nothing except goodness
Like laying on a bed with new clean sheets
So I want to awake from my old life into this
The energy it takes to build a bridge
Is not worth the time or awe it takes to burn one
Begin in me a new work
Promise I will sit still while you make the incision
Cut out the black and place in the artificial light
Even false light is good light for it illuminates the way
For the pit falls and disappointments were becoming too much
Let us leave the places of regret and move on to better things
I didn't want it to be like this
Yet it seems that it has to be like this
The things I was never told all came back to haunt me
Wearing dark clouds they surround me in my sleep
I've seen the devils face and all I want to do is forget
Revoking memory but leave experience
I want to be free from the chains of my perverted mind
In all they see is the brokenness that resides inside of me
Starting fresh and anew
Compromise and fear won't be my companions this time
I'll have new thoughts behind my direction
The tips of my breath will be seasoned with new hopes and dreams
Walking the path set before me
With a blank mind knowing nothing except goodness
Like laying on a bed with new clean sheets
So I want to awake from my old life into this
The energy it takes to build a bridge
Is not worth the time or awe it takes to burn one
Begin in me a new work
Promise I will sit still while you make the incision
Cut out the black and place in the artificial light
Even false light is good light for it illuminates the way
For the pit falls and disappointments were becoming too much
Let us leave the places of regret and move on to better things
I didn't want it to be like this
Yet it seems that it has to be like this
The things I was never told all came back to haunt me
Wearing dark clouds they surround me in my sleep
I've seen the devils face and all I want to do is forget
Revoking memory but leave experience
I want to be free from the chains of my perverted mind
In all they see is the brokenness that resides inside of me
Edgar Allan Poe
"Deep into that darkness peering,
long I stood there,
wondering, fearing, doubting,
dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before."
long I stood there,
wondering, fearing, doubting,
dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before."
When Lady Luck Passes You By
Seated in agitation and knowing exactly why
Waiting for that every other day to come
The day to let it all out
This spew that comes from the depths of my chest
Is there something I missed?
Will I forever be cast into decent from the skies?
How many times must I ask the question why?
No rest for the wicked and no breaks for the apathetic
Lady luck packed up and left
Leaving no fingerprints or evidence
Everything I am I've made myself
Only to find that even that was a lie
For at the genesis of my creation
A spirit of unbelief was blown into dusty nostrils
Creating in myself a new man
At the apex he is half man half beast
The best of both and everyone needs to know
That this had nothing to do with chance
This was all planned out
From the very beginning someone knew the story
A manifest of an existence existed before I twinkled
Eyes now mist as they think back to being chased away
Told to shut up and get behind
Behind what I did not know but I starred at those walls for so long
The brick and mortar I poured from frustrated cries for excellency
To be perfect for you and you, but never knowing who
I had to be the one who changed the mold to fit for you
So call to that woman that stalks the downcast in the dark
Let her reach out and make something of this mess of flesh
Only clay being molded in the hands of my previous killers
Why do I continue to live day by day without you?
It makes no sense yet the sense is plain to see
That no one wants me, even the ficticious
I have to be something more in order to find satisfaction
And that pleasure is not sought in the approval of others
It is only within myself that I seek an unending joy
So turn off the lights and close the door
Things have become so clear to me
For once I've seen that this is finally understanding
Waiting for that every other day to come
The day to let it all out
This spew that comes from the depths of my chest
Is there something I missed?
Will I forever be cast into decent from the skies?
How many times must I ask the question why?
No rest for the wicked and no breaks for the apathetic
Lady luck packed up and left
Leaving no fingerprints or evidence
Everything I am I've made myself
Only to find that even that was a lie
For at the genesis of my creation
A spirit of unbelief was blown into dusty nostrils
Creating in myself a new man
At the apex he is half man half beast
The best of both and everyone needs to know
That this had nothing to do with chance
This was all planned out
From the very beginning someone knew the story
A manifest of an existence existed before I twinkled
Eyes now mist as they think back to being chased away
Told to shut up and get behind
Behind what I did not know but I starred at those walls for so long
The brick and mortar I poured from frustrated cries for excellency
To be perfect for you and you, but never knowing who
I had to be the one who changed the mold to fit for you
So call to that woman that stalks the downcast in the dark
Let her reach out and make something of this mess of flesh
Only clay being molded in the hands of my previous killers
Why do I continue to live day by day without you?
It makes no sense yet the sense is plain to see
That no one wants me, even the ficticious
I have to be something more in order to find satisfaction
And that pleasure is not sought in the approval of others
It is only within myself that I seek an unending joy
So turn off the lights and close the door
Things have become so clear to me
For once I've seen that this is finally understanding
Future News Of Past Regrets
No news is good news
My only hope is that you've learned your lesson
Take nothing for granted
Because in the end all you deserve is to rot
Yet somehow you've escaped that lot
Without power you kept yourself from turning into a pillar of salt
Murderer, you are worse then me, more worse then I thought
I have nothing left to say since all the facts elude me
We will never again see eye to eye or mouth to mouth
But when the day comes for you to confront me
Make sure your daughter isn't present
Things are about to get ugly
...
I regret everything I ever did with you
So much so that I want to kill myself
But not tonight and not forever
I've learned to fight and conquer
Yet you can count on this as my final thought
You will never have any peace
Wretched whore of sorrow
Your tears will dig your own grave
Now sleep in it and join your fathers
The slumber of those who reside in hell fire
My only hope is that you've learned your lesson
Take nothing for granted
Because in the end all you deserve is to rot
Yet somehow you've escaped that lot
Without power you kept yourself from turning into a pillar of salt
Murderer, you are worse then me, more worse then I thought
I have nothing left to say since all the facts elude me
We will never again see eye to eye or mouth to mouth
But when the day comes for you to confront me
Make sure your daughter isn't present
Things are about to get ugly
...
I regret everything I ever did with you
So much so that I want to kill myself
But not tonight and not forever
I've learned to fight and conquer
Yet you can count on this as my final thought
You will never have any peace
Wretched whore of sorrow
Your tears will dig your own grave
Now sleep in it and join your fathers
The slumber of those who reside in hell fire
Dark Thoughts
When a pen becomes a sword
What do we do with all the blood we've drawn?
Holding back tears until they overflow
A child's life was held in the balance
And the scale was the hands of a monster
Pulling and straining to come to life
Yearning to be set loose to snuff out what morals cannot choose
Is it right to let a young boy die,
All because he is less of a person then the rest of us?
He brings no joy and only pain
Getting pleasure from nothing
Only surviving on the most primal level
Becoming in one fell swoop his executioner
Realizing at that moment that life is so fragile
Like porcelain it can be beautiful yet easily snapped
Snuffed out in an instant like it never was
Is this what makes the little boy cry,
Knowing that the man who protects him is a killer inside?
That with less then half strength he is capable of harm
Fearing my own body I'm close to cursing myself
Did I make this for myself and why?
I'm so tired of blaming my anger on the others
Yet when I am real and I don't hold it back
I can say that I hate this child and want to watch him die
To be the hands that end his life
For all the hell and torture he's put me through
Only days left now and I'm craving that one final shot
Fists that puncture skulls with blows brought with force
You will now feel the pain that you gave me
Holding onto hope that it will pass with a relieved breath
I am not the one to trust with pushing away dark thoughts
Counting down the days I feel as if a funeral march is to be played
Mourners in black surrounding a casket filled with nails
Bury the little bastard alive and fill his chest knives
Fire into the box and litter his body with bullets
Dreams of a madman come alive when I speak my thoughts
Don't just dismiss this
The calling card of an evil mastermind
I want to be the one that helps him fall
Forever slipping into a black hole
Nothing would satisfy me more then to pull the trigger on this one
Here's to flipping the switch without eyes shut
Wanting nothing more then to remember your last breath
I've become the murderer of the insane and I like it
No one said human retribution was a pretty thing
And if this is ugly then it is the worst of them all
Queen of the damned take hold of this heart so that nothing will stop me now
After this there no coming back
What do we do with all the blood we've drawn?
Holding back tears until they overflow
A child's life was held in the balance
And the scale was the hands of a monster
Pulling and straining to come to life
Yearning to be set loose to snuff out what morals cannot choose
Is it right to let a young boy die,
All because he is less of a person then the rest of us?
He brings no joy and only pain
Getting pleasure from nothing
Only surviving on the most primal level
Becoming in one fell swoop his executioner
Realizing at that moment that life is so fragile
Like porcelain it can be beautiful yet easily snapped
Snuffed out in an instant like it never was
Is this what makes the little boy cry,
Knowing that the man who protects him is a killer inside?
That with less then half strength he is capable of harm
Fearing my own body I'm close to cursing myself
Did I make this for myself and why?
I'm so tired of blaming my anger on the others
Yet when I am real and I don't hold it back
I can say that I hate this child and want to watch him die
To be the hands that end his life
For all the hell and torture he's put me through
Only days left now and I'm craving that one final shot
Fists that puncture skulls with blows brought with force
You will now feel the pain that you gave me
Holding onto hope that it will pass with a relieved breath
I am not the one to trust with pushing away dark thoughts
Counting down the days I feel as if a funeral march is to be played
Mourners in black surrounding a casket filled with nails
Bury the little bastard alive and fill his chest knives
Fire into the box and litter his body with bullets
Dreams of a madman come alive when I speak my thoughts
Don't just dismiss this
The calling card of an evil mastermind
I want to be the one that helps him fall
Forever slipping into a black hole
Nothing would satisfy me more then to pull the trigger on this one
Here's to flipping the switch without eyes shut
Wanting nothing more then to remember your last breath
I've become the murderer of the insane and I like it
No one said human retribution was a pretty thing
And if this is ugly then it is the worst of them all
Queen of the damned take hold of this heart so that nothing will stop me now
After this there no coming back
Sunday, June 17, 2012
The Lies We Tell Ourselves
Start the day off right with thinking that you're right
That everything is okay and that there is nothing we should fear
Negelecting the hidden parts
The puzzle pieces that make the whole man fit
Outlinning the dark shapes of our perseption
Realizing that at the end of the day nothing said is done
Only living in the fringe of our existence
There is so much we don't let see the light of day
Oh to see and behold the face of truth
Would we then turn and let the facts be exposed?
When the light that burns the false shines
How will we expect to escape this coming wrath?
Storing up sins that relinquish pain
Judgment knocks on the door of our hearts
Pushing and shoving it is the last thing left to enter
Yet we say as we stare at the mirror that it will past
Words will fade and the wounds with them
Ghosts of the past will no longer haunt
And the things we fought for will never turn to dust
Did you think when I said everything is meaningless,
That I was only speaking in metaphors?
Why is it that the walls come down and I can open up,
When I struggle to recollect the past which laid a crumbling foundation?
Just another lie
Just another part of me that I keep saying was a mistake
The mistake was me and that's what I've come to realize
Not on my own part but in the minds of the birthers
Straining to force life to come about from the void
I now see that it was in your own struggle to breath that you drowned me
These are facts and so easily we let them slip past
Like the aftermath of a one night stand
Sneaking out the back so that the victims of our lust will not wake
So what do we do, the bruised and broken?
The abandoned children left to the cold of the world
Do we seek revenge and burn up the earth?
Do will take hold of weapons and lay waste to our schools?
Do we paint our faces white and color our eyes black,
Donning leather and spikes pretending that hell rides on our backs?
Well the days of pretending are over as the final bell sounds
I speak as an ambassador of the devil
Spewing the hate that has filled my heart since the first night I was locked up
The day to blame is over and vengeance is the course for today
Havoc will be the sword and destruction the shield
When we pull ourselves out of the dreams and delusions,
Hoping on false gods that everything will be alright?
No more lies only the truth will remain
And this generation will see that it is only in that that we will take flight
Leaving all of the trash behind
Out of sight we cast new thoughts out of iron and spite
Bearing forevermore that which is always right
Stop living in the lies you tell yourself
That everything is okay and that there is nothing we should fear
Negelecting the hidden parts
The puzzle pieces that make the whole man fit
Outlinning the dark shapes of our perseption
Realizing that at the end of the day nothing said is done
Only living in the fringe of our existence
There is so much we don't let see the light of day
Oh to see and behold the face of truth
Would we then turn and let the facts be exposed?
When the light that burns the false shines
How will we expect to escape this coming wrath?
Storing up sins that relinquish pain
Judgment knocks on the door of our hearts
Pushing and shoving it is the last thing left to enter
Yet we say as we stare at the mirror that it will past
Words will fade and the wounds with them
Ghosts of the past will no longer haunt
And the things we fought for will never turn to dust
Did you think when I said everything is meaningless,
That I was only speaking in metaphors?
Why is it that the walls come down and I can open up,
When I struggle to recollect the past which laid a crumbling foundation?
Just another lie
Just another part of me that I keep saying was a mistake
The mistake was me and that's what I've come to realize
Not on my own part but in the minds of the birthers
Straining to force life to come about from the void
I now see that it was in your own struggle to breath that you drowned me
These are facts and so easily we let them slip past
Like the aftermath of a one night stand
Sneaking out the back so that the victims of our lust will not wake
So what do we do, the bruised and broken?
The abandoned children left to the cold of the world
Do we seek revenge and burn up the earth?
Do will take hold of weapons and lay waste to our schools?
Do we paint our faces white and color our eyes black,
Donning leather and spikes pretending that hell rides on our backs?
Well the days of pretending are over as the final bell sounds
I speak as an ambassador of the devil
Spewing the hate that has filled my heart since the first night I was locked up
The day to blame is over and vengeance is the course for today
Havoc will be the sword and destruction the shield
When we pull ourselves out of the dreams and delusions,
Hoping on false gods that everything will be alright?
No more lies only the truth will remain
And this generation will see that it is only in that that we will take flight
Leaving all of the trash behind
Out of sight we cast new thoughts out of iron and spite
Bearing forevermore that which is always right
Stop living in the lies you tell yourself
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Rapist Wit
How do I start this
A confession years in the making
That there is a devil pressed up against me
Not from the vantage point of viewing in plain sight
It is from the inside out that my flesh is stretched
This demon lives within me
Cravings formed on the primal level
Instinct like an animal without the mind of man
If you thought murder was his only game
Then you thought wrong and may get eaten
Seeking to devour this beast is more than a white liar
He is a thief and he steals only one thing
Innocence the thing he never had
Always guilty from the beginning
Reaping the punishment of others
The scars of beatings form new tissue over emotions
In rage the monster thrives only knowing the way
A path of destruction where he is always the victor
Can't even walk through a room without noticing her
Speak of the devil and surly he comes
Fast as lightning and pron to whispers
Igniting a fire that at all times is being kept under
I see her everywhere
The next victim
Like a trophy to add to my collection
One more down and on to the next to be forgotten
This lust is out of control
All done through the guise of being in control
It's all about gaining back what I could never hold
Just a probationary maniac with a degree in the blood arts
Pointing back to the true fact that I can't stand my life
This thing is in me and is trying to get out
Voice like an angel with claws like a lion
Bear jaws clamp down swallowing souls ending heart beats
Going past protection this is just sickening
Forget the future let's go back and change the past
Tearing out the fetus that would never be loved
Prayers to no avail for tomorrow when I wake
I'll still have this rapists wit
*SIDE NOTE: I have not ever taken part in the raping of others nor have I ever been raped and I do not condone any sort of action that is or resembles abuse of any nature.
A confession years in the making
That there is a devil pressed up against me
Not from the vantage point of viewing in plain sight
It is from the inside out that my flesh is stretched
This demon lives within me
Cravings formed on the primal level
Instinct like an animal without the mind of man
If you thought murder was his only game
Then you thought wrong and may get eaten
Seeking to devour this beast is more than a white liar
He is a thief and he steals only one thing
Innocence the thing he never had
Always guilty from the beginning
Reaping the punishment of others
The scars of beatings form new tissue over emotions
In rage the monster thrives only knowing the way
A path of destruction where he is always the victor
Can't even walk through a room without noticing her
Speak of the devil and surly he comes
Fast as lightning and pron to whispers
Igniting a fire that at all times is being kept under
I see her everywhere
The next victim
Like a trophy to add to my collection
One more down and on to the next to be forgotten
This lust is out of control
All done through the guise of being in control
It's all about gaining back what I could never hold
Just a probationary maniac with a degree in the blood arts
Pointing back to the true fact that I can't stand my life
This thing is in me and is trying to get out
Voice like an angel with claws like a lion
Bear jaws clamp down swallowing souls ending heart beats
Going past protection this is just sickening
Forget the future let's go back and change the past
Tearing out the fetus that would never be loved
Prayers to no avail for tomorrow when I wake
I'll still have this rapists wit
*SIDE NOTE: I have not ever taken part in the raping of others nor have I ever been raped and I do not condone any sort of action that is or resembles abuse of any nature.
Monday, June 11, 2012
Hate In Continuum
I am only a man
And a man is a slave to what masters him
So what is it that holds the reigns of life?
A deep dark secret that no one knows
How do I stand in the pulpit of truth,
While in private I am chained to lust?
Teaching others to love their enemies
But my enemy is myself
And I've yet to fully come to terms with that
Knowing full well that I'm a failure
Becoming what I hate most
A liar and a thief stealing from those I love the most
I've become a walking contradiction
Hating the thing that I tell others was made in perfection
Formed from light and peace
This creature I see looking back at me
Is nothing more then the shell of a man
Continuing to hate and being hated
Like more then one person lives inside my skin
If only this flesh would just go to waste
So that I could replace it with another
One that was not chosen for me before birth
Genetically altered to how I saw fit
Unable to hold to things that spawn pure evil
Going on years now that I prayed to be more than God
Not to rule as sovereign but to be right in all things
Being a mere human comes with so much failure
Lord make me of the nature that you dwell in
So that I could love my enemies as I love myself
Because right now that is not happening
Making myself sick with the thought
That I am nothing more then a petty rapist and addict
I was a face eating zombie before bath salts hit the market
You think this world you see is dark
You've never seen evil like the things that grew deep within me
My hate sabotages my peace and all I want is peace
It's like I learned absolutely nothing from the fall
When I lost my place in heaven among the morning stars
Only chocking on smoke as I breath in my own aroma
Dripping wet from drowning in the tears of my sorrow
Where is my revenge and the tactic to execute?
Pulling the lever and making the world go dark
Everyday this becomes what I wake to find
My nightmares becoming realities
Further causing me to hate my life
And a man is a slave to what masters him
So what is it that holds the reigns of life?
A deep dark secret that no one knows
How do I stand in the pulpit of truth,
While in private I am chained to lust?
Teaching others to love their enemies
But my enemy is myself
And I've yet to fully come to terms with that
Knowing full well that I'm a failure
Becoming what I hate most
A liar and a thief stealing from those I love the most
I've become a walking contradiction
Hating the thing that I tell others was made in perfection
Formed from light and peace
This creature I see looking back at me
Is nothing more then the shell of a man
Continuing to hate and being hated
Like more then one person lives inside my skin
If only this flesh would just go to waste
So that I could replace it with another
One that was not chosen for me before birth
Genetically altered to how I saw fit
Unable to hold to things that spawn pure evil
Going on years now that I prayed to be more than God
Not to rule as sovereign but to be right in all things
Being a mere human comes with so much failure
Lord make me of the nature that you dwell in
So that I could love my enemies as I love myself
Because right now that is not happening
Making myself sick with the thought
That I am nothing more then a petty rapist and addict
I was a face eating zombie before bath salts hit the market
You think this world you see is dark
You've never seen evil like the things that grew deep within me
My hate sabotages my peace and all I want is peace
It's like I learned absolutely nothing from the fall
When I lost my place in heaven among the morning stars
Only chocking on smoke as I breath in my own aroma
Dripping wet from drowning in the tears of my sorrow
Where is my revenge and the tactic to execute?
Pulling the lever and making the world go dark
Everyday this becomes what I wake to find
My nightmares becoming realities
Further causing me to hate my life
Tears Behind The Eyes
Holding you close was the best thing to happen to me
It will never end this love story we share
With one heart we enter into life entwined like branches
Climbing towards the sun from two different trees
Bearing different fruits that when mixed germinate a flower
The zest of yearning for something more then what is offered
Oh and how it breaks my heart to see you cry
When you stretch for a relationship that will never be
I see you failing and falling
And I'm always right behind to catch you
Saying in the end we will be okay
With your smile so warm I catch a glimpse
Of a heart that's broken from birth like mine
Looking to me to be the suchers that hold it together
There will be no judgement day for you my love
You've already faced the fire and come through
Yet in this life it is not yet over
So many times I've wished to cover you in my mind
That you could enter my world and understand
Out of pain the formation of hate takes shape
Using it as a barrier against the onslaught
Taking back what is rightfully ours
No one gets to tell us who we are or what we do
On to new discoveries with the wind at our sails
Blowing us to only God knows where
Never really arriving but being satisfied in the movement of the stars
Falling below painted lines the maps become a blur of blues and greens
Just like the sea which hold us
Gently engulfed by the oceans as a hand is cupped for water
Cradled in a nest of dreams we are whisked away
Knowing at any moment that what was once our tears
Can turn against us and drown us in the dark
Who really knows of the creatures that swim below
Calling out from the waves
Enticing us to take to slumber beneath the foams of oblivion
I wish to take it all away
To be the one that carries your pain so that you would never have to
Running away from the merciless ones who claim to love us
They will never have what we have
And I will never allow them to come up against this
So full of fear yet I will be your fearless one
With the question now present
What do I do with mine?
I cram it way deep down and take you in my arms
Protecting you forever
Even wiping the tears fallen behind your eyes
It will never end this love story we share
With one heart we enter into life entwined like branches
Climbing towards the sun from two different trees
Bearing different fruits that when mixed germinate a flower
The zest of yearning for something more then what is offered
Oh and how it breaks my heart to see you cry
When you stretch for a relationship that will never be
I see you failing and falling
And I'm always right behind to catch you
Saying in the end we will be okay
With your smile so warm I catch a glimpse
Of a heart that's broken from birth like mine
Looking to me to be the suchers that hold it together
There will be no judgement day for you my love
You've already faced the fire and come through
Yet in this life it is not yet over
So many times I've wished to cover you in my mind
That you could enter my world and understand
Out of pain the formation of hate takes shape
Using it as a barrier against the onslaught
Taking back what is rightfully ours
No one gets to tell us who we are or what we do
On to new discoveries with the wind at our sails
Blowing us to only God knows where
Never really arriving but being satisfied in the movement of the stars
Falling below painted lines the maps become a blur of blues and greens
Just like the sea which hold us
Gently engulfed by the oceans as a hand is cupped for water
Cradled in a nest of dreams we are whisked away
Knowing at any moment that what was once our tears
Can turn against us and drown us in the dark
Who really knows of the creatures that swim below
Calling out from the waves
Enticing us to take to slumber beneath the foams of oblivion
I wish to take it all away
To be the one that carries your pain so that you would never have to
Running away from the merciless ones who claim to love us
They will never have what we have
And I will never allow them to come up against this
So full of fear yet I will be your fearless one
With the question now present
What do I do with mine?
I cram it way deep down and take you in my arms
Protecting you forever
Even wiping the tears fallen behind your eyes
The Past I Can't Remember, Only The Effects I Can See
The dreams I had as a little boy
Disappeared in the aftermath of an eruption
Something crept into my mind that wasn't real
Making a home in grey matter it became reality
So far back that all the memory is black
Before coming through an open womb
Joy turned to pain and my smiled washed away
Eyes wide open yet I can't see
The reason for why I sit up afraid
Cradling a pillow in the middle of the night
Fear has become my companion
Ever since you left me to see demons on my own
There were no words to help comfort me
But for now I've studied all the tape
Only to discover that in the end everything is meaningless
Blankness dominated by bleakness
Shoved to the surface hand in hand with the spirit of apathy
Not caring is not the same as not living
Chest rising and falling the functions still remain
Yet a soul is left uncovered
Ready for the taking by the first bounty hunter to pass
I've only become this warrior through trial and error
Many mistakes leading up to bigger grace
Favor upon deeds that leave the experts floored
The killer in me created out of the ashes of desperation
This is not even the monster that I keep locked in a cage
It is just the part manifested to protect me
So sitting back and asking why
Looking for the genesis and the reasons it started
I can't find an answer that makes sense in all forms
To know the purpose of my birth is beyond me
When before you told me I wasn't wanted
And now it seems like I've reverted back to that little boy
A grown man looking for a monarchs love
Patriarchs blessings now hold a meaning
Why was it when I sought it before,
There was only anarchy that worked itself out?
Now the world has a man walking on the land
Afraid of himself and the darkness he holds within
Never have I ever wanted my life to just blow away so badly
Lets start over beginning with my color
Rebuilt out of metal so I will never be hurt again
They say pain lets you know you're alive
But if this is living how could death be any better?
Title it and send it on its way
A piece on brokenness
All it is is a piece of a piece
Fragments of a mind that at points is blind
Then turning the corner and only seeing red
If only I could understand myself
Well folks this is over
My only relief is coming up
Time to lay my head down and go to sleep
Where sometimes I pray I would never wake again
Not suicidal but just completely rational
Justify this life when you've walked in my shoes
Don't want to take the plunge and do what I do
Jumping off a cliff with jagged rocks at the bottom
I don't even want to hear my name being spoken
Every time thinking that I've got a breakthrough
How to get to the lifestyle I want is impossible
Everything is turning and the equilibrium shaky
With insight like this I still see that I'm wrecked
Take me back to the times before my brain went numb
Maybe I'll find that the hope of my future will be revealed
But to be honest I must say this
I'm not holding my breath
Disappeared in the aftermath of an eruption
Something crept into my mind that wasn't real
Making a home in grey matter it became reality
So far back that all the memory is black
Before coming through an open womb
Joy turned to pain and my smiled washed away
Eyes wide open yet I can't see
The reason for why I sit up afraid
Cradling a pillow in the middle of the night
Fear has become my companion
Ever since you left me to see demons on my own
There were no words to help comfort me
But for now I've studied all the tape
Only to discover that in the end everything is meaningless
Blankness dominated by bleakness
Shoved to the surface hand in hand with the spirit of apathy
Not caring is not the same as not living
Chest rising and falling the functions still remain
Yet a soul is left uncovered
Ready for the taking by the first bounty hunter to pass
I've only become this warrior through trial and error
Many mistakes leading up to bigger grace
Favor upon deeds that leave the experts floored
The killer in me created out of the ashes of desperation
This is not even the monster that I keep locked in a cage
It is just the part manifested to protect me
So sitting back and asking why
Looking for the genesis and the reasons it started
I can't find an answer that makes sense in all forms
To know the purpose of my birth is beyond me
When before you told me I wasn't wanted
And now it seems like I've reverted back to that little boy
A grown man looking for a monarchs love
Patriarchs blessings now hold a meaning
Why was it when I sought it before,
There was only anarchy that worked itself out?
Now the world has a man walking on the land
Afraid of himself and the darkness he holds within
Never have I ever wanted my life to just blow away so badly
Lets start over beginning with my color
Rebuilt out of metal so I will never be hurt again
They say pain lets you know you're alive
But if this is living how could death be any better?
Title it and send it on its way
A piece on brokenness
All it is is a piece of a piece
Fragments of a mind that at points is blind
Then turning the corner and only seeing red
If only I could understand myself
Well folks this is over
My only relief is coming up
Time to lay my head down and go to sleep
Where sometimes I pray I would never wake again
Not suicidal but just completely rational
Justify this life when you've walked in my shoes
Don't want to take the plunge and do what I do
Jumping off a cliff with jagged rocks at the bottom
I don't even want to hear my name being spoken
Every time thinking that I've got a breakthrough
How to get to the lifestyle I want is impossible
Everything is turning and the equilibrium shaky
With insight like this I still see that I'm wrecked
Take me back to the times before my brain went numb
Maybe I'll find that the hope of my future will be revealed
But to be honest I must say this
I'm not holding my breath
Sunday, June 10, 2012
This Is Why My Heart Sinks
I couldn't wait to get this off my chest
To run to the lab with a pen and a pad
And make known the pain in the depths of my soul
Heard you were coming back
The only thing I could think of was "FUCK"
Not this, not today, not this week, not ever
How could this be,
I thought this was all behind me?
Why is it that my past keeps coming back to haunt me?
I was sure I was past this
The dreams had stopped and I didn't see you in every mirror
Finally I could take a ride without seeing you over my shoulder
All the anxiety came back and then these words hit my ears
How you want a relationship
Being friends with the man that you dragged through the mud
To get close to him again and befriend the women who replaced you
Threw you off your throne and who now sits enthroned
You think I'm stupid
That I would just come back with open arms
They told you who I am now
And I know that it disappoints you
To see that back in your old stomping grounds that I hold the reigns
From rags to riches this little boy became a prince to your people
Everybody forgot your name except for the ones who like to throw it around
Man this is stress that I just don't need
All of this done while eyes I wish would never see
Are held in locked gaze upon me
Wishing and hoping that you would just go home
If you don't believe there is a devil this is the proof
But I won't even give you an inch back in
So don't think for one second that I will be your baby's new daddy
The father that she should of had but that hope died
Everyday I thank God that the little girl doesn't look like me
Because I would have stolen her away from you long ago
Knowing that not only is your soul not safe
But that you hold the hand of a little one leading her to hell as well
Yet when the words came through my heart seized
Having to put up with all this mess all over again
I wish that you would just pack up and go back
Walking right into a nightmare and didn't even know it
Now with another thing to fear
I've got this beast to deal with
And this is just the kind of thing that he needs
To take over causing the world to lose control
Here it comes lady you better breeze away
There is a new side to me and it's something you'll never be ready for
Run and hide little mommy you've brought a monster to the surface
To run to the lab with a pen and a pad
And make known the pain in the depths of my soul
Heard you were coming back
The only thing I could think of was "FUCK"
Not this, not today, not this week, not ever
How could this be,
I thought this was all behind me?
Why is it that my past keeps coming back to haunt me?
I was sure I was past this
The dreams had stopped and I didn't see you in every mirror
Finally I could take a ride without seeing you over my shoulder
All the anxiety came back and then these words hit my ears
How you want a relationship
Being friends with the man that you dragged through the mud
To get close to him again and befriend the women who replaced you
Threw you off your throne and who now sits enthroned
You think I'm stupid
That I would just come back with open arms
They told you who I am now
And I know that it disappoints you
To see that back in your old stomping grounds that I hold the reigns
From rags to riches this little boy became a prince to your people
Everybody forgot your name except for the ones who like to throw it around
Man this is stress that I just don't need
All of this done while eyes I wish would never see
Are held in locked gaze upon me
Wishing and hoping that you would just go home
If you don't believe there is a devil this is the proof
But I won't even give you an inch back in
So don't think for one second that I will be your baby's new daddy
The father that she should of had but that hope died
Everyday I thank God that the little girl doesn't look like me
Because I would have stolen her away from you long ago
Knowing that not only is your soul not safe
But that you hold the hand of a little one leading her to hell as well
Yet when the words came through my heart seized
Having to put up with all this mess all over again
I wish that you would just pack up and go back
Walking right into a nightmare and didn't even know it
Now with another thing to fear
I've got this beast to deal with
And this is just the kind of thing that he needs
To take over causing the world to lose control
Here it comes lady you better breeze away
There is a new side to me and it's something you'll never be ready for
Run and hide little mommy you've brought a monster to the surface
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Hate
I hate what is useless
Like talking for no reason
Babbling on with nothing to gain
I hate confusion and noise
The kind that makes you want to put your head through a wall
I hate it when people can't take a joke
I'm the hardest dude I know
But I've never taken things up the ass as hard as you do
What is the problem with a laugh every now and again?
I hate it when I dwell within a dead town
Locked away in a spirit of poverty
I hate it when you change for the worse
Even worse when it's for the better and I have no one to blame
Why do you hate me?
Spewing filth like you had memorized if straight out of the bible
I hate that I can't swing on you
Knocking you down a few pegs
Exactly where you belong
On the floor looking up at me standing over you
Fist raised and ready for more
I hate so much in this world
Especially all of the stupid people
People who don't do what they're told
All for the good that keeps children out of the cold
I have a special hatred reserved for those who cause pain
Pulling the innocent by the hair to throw them into jail
Don't you have something better to do?
I hate how I write, it all sounds the same
I don't even know why I do this
Except for the fact that it burns in my bones
Telling me to let the rest of the hate out
Never really leaving just printing a copy of itself
Forever engraved in the stone of cyberspace
I hate the fools who never change
Always staying the same even if it means your death
Killing yourself over stubbornness
What's the point of living if you just bury yourself deeper in the sand?
I hate so much more then I probably understand
But for now the list will stand
So now the question must be asked
What is it in me that I hate so much that reflects out to the masses?
No idea but I'll tell you the truth
There are no walls blocking this statement
Direct your inquires accordingly
And follow the path to my heart that's encased in hate
Like talking for no reason
Babbling on with nothing to gain
I hate confusion and noise
The kind that makes you want to put your head through a wall
I hate it when people can't take a joke
I'm the hardest dude I know
But I've never taken things up the ass as hard as you do
What is the problem with a laugh every now and again?
I hate it when I dwell within a dead town
Locked away in a spirit of poverty
I hate it when you change for the worse
Even worse when it's for the better and I have no one to blame
Why do you hate me?
Spewing filth like you had memorized if straight out of the bible
I hate that I can't swing on you
Knocking you down a few pegs
Exactly where you belong
On the floor looking up at me standing over you
Fist raised and ready for more
I hate so much in this world
Especially all of the stupid people
People who don't do what they're told
All for the good that keeps children out of the cold
I have a special hatred reserved for those who cause pain
Pulling the innocent by the hair to throw them into jail
Don't you have something better to do?
I hate how I write, it all sounds the same
I don't even know why I do this
Except for the fact that it burns in my bones
Telling me to let the rest of the hate out
Never really leaving just printing a copy of itself
Forever engraved in the stone of cyberspace
I hate the fools who never change
Always staying the same even if it means your death
Killing yourself over stubbornness
What's the point of living if you just bury yourself deeper in the sand?
I hate so much more then I probably understand
But for now the list will stand
So now the question must be asked
What is it in me that I hate so much that reflects out to the masses?
No idea but I'll tell you the truth
There are no walls blocking this statement
Direct your inquires accordingly
And follow the path to my heart that's encased in hate
Blank
Never in my life have I been more happy to know that I have nothing
Such freedom out of the bleak
Starting fresh like an empty slate
The question is on the board but the answer hangs in the air
No real meaning because they will be replaced with what I want
Once left alone and cast to the side
If you only knew how by your despicable actions you would form me
For the first time in a while I see a glimmer in the darkness
Not hope but a chance born out of perseverance
This is the glory that I've so long been looking for
Finally there's a poor little boy who's been given a gift for keeps
You just gave a sword to a five year old
Oh and it wasn't by mistake
Small children are armed and dangerous
Locked away in a cell for far too long
Went in as a toddler and came out a hardened criminal
Strapped with chains and brass knuckles
Sharp objects and shinny stabbing utensils
And in true fashion to the child in me
I've got a pocket full of crayons
Set to paint a new life on every canvas left blank
In the end I'm gonna murder that beast in me
Forget the bridges we're throwing fire bombs
A breakthrough has never taken me so far
The key to a dream I didn't know existed on the outside of barred doors
My baby boy's been empowered and let loose
Time is precious and it's time we got ours back
Such freedom out of the bleak
Starting fresh like an empty slate
The question is on the board but the answer hangs in the air
No real meaning because they will be replaced with what I want
Once left alone and cast to the side
If you only knew how by your despicable actions you would form me
For the first time in a while I see a glimmer in the darkness
Not hope but a chance born out of perseverance
This is the glory that I've so long been looking for
Finally there's a poor little boy who's been given a gift for keeps
You just gave a sword to a five year old
Oh and it wasn't by mistake
Small children are armed and dangerous
Locked away in a cell for far too long
Went in as a toddler and came out a hardened criminal
Strapped with chains and brass knuckles
Sharp objects and shinny stabbing utensils
And in true fashion to the child in me
I've got a pocket full of crayons
Set to paint a new life on every canvas left blank
In the end I'm gonna murder that beast in me
Forget the bridges we're throwing fire bombs
A breakthrough has never taken me so far
The key to a dream I didn't know existed on the outside of barred doors
My baby boy's been empowered and let loose
Time is precious and it's time we got ours back
Replacing Authenticity With Ersatz
Everything is meaningless
What's the point of struggling to survive?
Claw and cry
Scratch and plead
So much for pride I'm begging on my knees
Tell me that there is something beyond this
Because everything I see is bogus
A fraud and a front to keep the truth from exposing
The fact that underneath the skin of the world
Everyone is dead and falling into pools of blood
Is there anything better then pleasure without ruin?
Can we have that, does that even matter?
Should we just be sitting around in circles all day meditating?
Will a mind ever escape its skull,
Only to find that the world ain't mine?
And what we thought was right in the back parts of time,
We are all alone in no one is coming
Such a waist to sit still and contemplate
About the realness of reality
Praying that something exists outside of all this filthiness
How do we replace what is so black
With something that matters like life washed in rain?
Fuller and with meaning not just the same old same old
So who do I cry to when we bring it back around?
Fitting into a universe so big yet without a parking spot
Going insane just thinking about how deep my inner reality could be
That beyond the skies that burn red like fire
There is a place of green hills covered in trees that bring immortality
Bright and shinning just without the heat of hell that strikes out underneath me
Wake up from my dreams with a peace
Not the kind that comforts in distress
The kind that holds six rounds and sends wayward children to their father
If only you could see the world that lives behind my eyes
Let's make it authentic and spit out the real
A place where we actually walk along the path of destiny
And come to the facts like a fork in the road
Truth hurts and I'll tell you why
We're all living a lie
So when the blindfold is removed
The light of real life revival begins to burn our eyes
What's the point of struggling to survive?
Claw and cry
Scratch and plead
So much for pride I'm begging on my knees
Tell me that there is something beyond this
Because everything I see is bogus
A fraud and a front to keep the truth from exposing
The fact that underneath the skin of the world
Everyone is dead and falling into pools of blood
Is there anything better then pleasure without ruin?
Can we have that, does that even matter?
Should we just be sitting around in circles all day meditating?
Will a mind ever escape its skull,
Only to find that the world ain't mine?
And what we thought was right in the back parts of time,
We are all alone in no one is coming
Such a waist to sit still and contemplate
About the realness of reality
Praying that something exists outside of all this filthiness
How do we replace what is so black
With something that matters like life washed in rain?
Fuller and with meaning not just the same old same old
So who do I cry to when we bring it back around?
Fitting into a universe so big yet without a parking spot
Going insane just thinking about how deep my inner reality could be
That beyond the skies that burn red like fire
There is a place of green hills covered in trees that bring immortality
Bright and shinning just without the heat of hell that strikes out underneath me
Wake up from my dreams with a peace
Not the kind that comforts in distress
The kind that holds six rounds and sends wayward children to their father
If only you could see the world that lives behind my eyes
Let's make it authentic and spit out the real
A place where we actually walk along the path of destiny
And come to the facts like a fork in the road
Truth hurts and I'll tell you why
We're all living a lie
So when the blindfold is removed
The light of real life revival begins to burn our eyes
Monday, June 4, 2012
Looking For Myself
Never found a title that so perfectly fit me
Can't wait to see what lays ahead after I turn the page
Next stop chapter two where the mystery reveals itself
Sometimes I feel like Bruce Lee
Fastest gun in the west and invincible beyond defeat
Yet in the end it all comes to a halt when one day I get a headache
Suddenly I'm dead from a burst blood vessel in my brain
Nothing could be more destructive
It seems to be like the small things in life are the things that come back to bite you
Writing lines longer then need be
But all or nothing when it comes to nonconforming
I don't want to be like the world
And I don't want to be like I am
So funny that people think that it is in the imperfections,
That this is what makes our uniqueness
Crawling through a mud tunnel full of voices
Keep my head down so I'm not scalped by barbed wire
Will my soul be waiting when I get to the light that always escapes me?
End of the line and it all just falls off
Maybe they were right when they said you could sail to the ends of the earth
Waterfall into space falling faster than light shot through the sun
I'm just a ghost and no one can walk through me
For Gods sake I think I'm the only one that knows
Still searching for a certain level of satisfaction
Not even sure that it will even be there when the line breaks and the race stops
Standing at a charity strip and getting nothing but net
Told to go out and catch the fish before I've learned to row the boat
Preparing to gut it and fry it and I'm still stuck to the shore
Looking for yourself is the hardest thing I've ever had to do
Where will I find it?
A question I don't know the answer to
Can't wait to see what lays ahead after I turn the page
Next stop chapter two where the mystery reveals itself
Sometimes I feel like Bruce Lee
Fastest gun in the west and invincible beyond defeat
Yet in the end it all comes to a halt when one day I get a headache
Suddenly I'm dead from a burst blood vessel in my brain
Nothing could be more destructive
It seems to be like the small things in life are the things that come back to bite you
Writing lines longer then need be
But all or nothing when it comes to nonconforming
I don't want to be like the world
And I don't want to be like I am
So funny that people think that it is in the imperfections,
That this is what makes our uniqueness
Crawling through a mud tunnel full of voices
Keep my head down so I'm not scalped by barbed wire
Will my soul be waiting when I get to the light that always escapes me?
End of the line and it all just falls off
Maybe they were right when they said you could sail to the ends of the earth
Waterfall into space falling faster than light shot through the sun
I'm just a ghost and no one can walk through me
For Gods sake I think I'm the only one that knows
Still searching for a certain level of satisfaction
Not even sure that it will even be there when the line breaks and the race stops
Standing at a charity strip and getting nothing but net
Told to go out and catch the fish before I've learned to row the boat
Preparing to gut it and fry it and I'm still stuck to the shore
Looking for yourself is the hardest thing I've ever had to do
Where will I find it?
A question I don't know the answer to
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